I am very fucking alone right now, which is obviously not a surprise, but for those of you who have family who are good, who have friends who are there--be grateful. Not kidding you I could die tomorrow and nobody would come to my funeral--I would never force my husband into any service with no attendants. The cremation company did tell me that unless I had a battery-implanted device that they would not have to re-operate on my body to excise it, so I do feel a lot better than I did. I have a new folder on my laptop: In Case I die so he has some reference point.
I am considering trying to find some local work in a grocery store just to help with the immediate needs--that $300 for a special cleaning and $1200 tooth are not going to pay for themselves and every penny my husband makes goes to us and this mess of a body I have here. Obviously nobody is contacting me from LinkedIn so I am going to have to admit--my skillset is not highly valuable at all. Obviously if you have been reading here for any length of time I ...
So today is what I would consider almost the countdown--yesterday was the technical date--I never want to be seen as a fool so I tend to make decisions not on April Fool's, but for before. I had to get a dental clearance for the procedure--and only $300 [!!!] later earlier today was I okay and cleared. This of course took all of our remaining credit so I did cancel the Kite Festival hotel room I had booked for us in Virginia Beach at the end of April--that was supposed to be our first beach thing and I might very well die before I ever get to do that. Whatever. At first I was going to complain about that, but then I realized something rational I said to my birth father the other day--"at our age, if you don't have your shit together, you don't get to do nice things, you don't get to buy houses." And I realized that yeah, this country is a cesspool for sick people--on top of the sickness you get to understand there is a hell of a lot more that you can't do than you can when it comes to getting financially solid.
I ...
Uhhhhhh. That's pretty much the sigh I'd love to make. This is actually maybe not going to be as easy as I suggested, just given the situation and the possible outcomes. Again, the goal every day is maximum nutrients, maximum practice of good behavior. No drinking, limited sugar (but I love those cream puffs, so), specific diet inclusions. I'm taking estrogen for the hot flashes, and msm to help alleviate the inflammation. Today is almost 7 weeks from entry so today yoga restarts-I'm gonna start slow. Also, 10k steps a day I can do, but this heart ain't great, the gradient he said was a 44 or 48 was it? I have no idea, honestly I don't care-I know this needs to be done, and I plan on being a hero, at least. I hope this doesn't end up being some sad statement referred back to as some kind of legacy agreement where I end up referred back to when people find this in a few years. That would suck.
So I am doing the things you'd do if you had some notice of certain obstacles-I contacted a girl who used to be my best friend who saved my ...
