I feel like I have a bunch of books in me, but they're knotted up by these terrible things I tell about myself every day. I am not nice, see, because at this point I am swallowed by my own pain. I have nothing nice to say about myself most days, and I really probably need to get the fuck out of it. How I would attain such a thing is not an easy task but I do hope I can figure it out. I have to take myself on as a project, as that's the only thing that will change my direction, which is aimless and lonely most of the time.
The pain is from a few things but my lack of movement is not ideal either. I have to find a new meditation and start practicing some good mantras so I can start experiencing better shit. The only great thing to happen right now would be a lottery win or hope for a job offer to leave this disaster of a country for at least 10 years, let's say. 15 max. By 60 I'd be swiss cheese in the head and possibly ornery. I'm halfway there right ...
I know, how irresponsible and ungracious, right? This surgery kicked my ass. First of all I was in ICU over a week & I am still in a terrible amount of pain too much for me to remember what it feels like to feel good. I did get them to help me go through multiple bottles of painkiller, there was no chance they were getting away with prescribing me a headache medicine when my chest got cracked open for the 3rd time. I am now finishing a lyrica and tramadol prescription & the pain still isn't under control so, fuck, really.
My 6-7 hour surgery took 13 hours. Ungodly pain when they woke me up. the fentanyl button every day but the last 2. Almost 2 full weeks I was in there.
I also got a pacemaker, which I did NOT want because I have that PEMF mat I need to get rid of. Or use just with the heat and none of the zip. They also underestimated the pain w/2 surgeries in 3 days. The pacemaker took them about 3 hours to find a place and they stretched through the top of my crescent scar on my chest. ...
Today has been hard. I have cried and joked with the nurses. Many of them tell me I have a great attitude, and I am still me in that I am trying to keep things jovial. People come in and ask how I am and I say "having the time of my life CLEARLY" or "living the dream" which is my favorite sarcastic response.
BY THE WAY--my preparation was on point. They asked if they could shave my groin, I said, "no need!" I also told them I waxed my arms which did make it easier though I am still a hard poke. They all are talking wonderfully about the surgeon so I am sure he is beyond qualified. Also the goggles--the techs mentioned they had never seen that and they were grateful. The filter people are jealous of and I was told to get it out of here tonight--I do have it tagged if someone did steal it but I should be alone in my own room tomorrow and people should respect my need to have masks on. I did tell D to not let anyone be my roommate without that thing on. I do not trust ...
