My mind is a mean thing--I blame it in some ways for the destruction wrought on my body. I try to control where it goes but it's a hard thing to do when you have been conditioned as I have been.
Expect the worst, hope for the best and you will never be disappointed was my mantra. The worst wasn't something I had expected in some time--even with all of my waxings about the country and its current political climate--certainly is the worst case scenario, but I was able to distance myself from part of it even just by imagining me leaving. But in terms of our general condition I hadn't imagined it exactly.
I have felt the anxiety of not having enough for most of my life and at times and through some pretty significant blocks. There have been times Don hasn't worked, etc and clearly this all ties in to our current state of affairs. There certainly will never be a wedding or celebration now--though let's admit. That was a stretch anyways. Don's teeth and mine are going to have to be worked on later. Christmas will have to be put off another year for me and Don but I ...
Poor Don is a little bewildered to our situation and I am also finding it hard not to lose my goddamn mind right now.
These are the times I wish I had some stash of anti anxiety cures but I haven't been one to ever go there so it's not something I want to do but this is not great for me at all. What I should have realized back before I made this move was that these people owe me less than nothing--and clearly given the historical facts, I should have known better and been a little bit more protective of me and my dog and husband. I should have been able to predict this given it was mentioned to me often that the familial obligation and connection wasn't one other people saw in context to me and them. I kind of brushed it off as nonsense and again, thinking it was baloney and they just didn't get to know me well enough yet, but would, in time.
But after 6 years in and maybe just as many times seeing my sister during this time, maybe a handful more, well--the signs were all there but I was just ignoring them. ...
Well that was an unfortunate thing to have to write yesterday but I felt a need to remark it. After I read over it, it seemed kind of whiney diary-yy so I edited it, as you must do with your thoughts every once in a while. And I am still floored. As I was reading through it last night the fractal snakes came into my vision like they have a tendency to do when I am stressed or freaking out. I was up here writing after passing out for a few hours, went back to sleep at 6 and woke up at 8. My worry allows never for full rest and I have been worried, even with the comfort of knowing my family owned the building we lived in--I have been worried we would be homeless. Not for her kicking us out but because the building is just no good in many ways, so a fire or asbestos evacuation seemed very possible.
So I had texted my sister this am--ending with the formal and cordial, as it appears that is the tactic to which the family has been instructed to handle me.
And I think to what I did do. I guess ...
