I know I know. Gratitude is the antidote to complaint--being grateful for anything has a way of turning you off the trends of complaint.
I am sure if you found this place you probably have a point of empathy you are approaching from--this would certainly be better than scorn or incredulity, which I know I have left others suffering the effects of---but I have been trying for some time to skew Don and off the path we've been on. The wishing, the daily gratitude. The education, the inventions. The writing, the art....I have dabbled in it all but haven't exactly been able to bend off the course of being pissed about bullshit a lot of the time. For example--and this actually happened after I wrote most of this--not only are Don and I now moving, but the furniture we borrowed is now being taken back by the donor, who was a friend who unfortunately mean-girlsed me and talked shitty about me to a mutual friend and so we stopped talking a while ago. Lo and behold she had a package delivered to her here mistakenly, and as a result of the conversation--is now taking our 2 couches and bureau. We will ...
My mind is a mean thing--I blame it in some ways for the destruction wrought on my body. I try to control where it goes but it's a hard thing to do when you have been conditioned as I have been.
Expect the worst, hope for the best and you will never be disappointed was my mantra. The worst wasn't something I had expected in some time--even with all of my waxings about the country and its current political climate--certainly is the worst case scenario, but I was able to distance myself from part of it even just by imagining me leaving. But in terms of our general condition I hadn't imagined it exactly.
I have felt the anxiety of not having enough for most of my life and at times and through some pretty significant blocks. There have been times Don hasn't worked, etc and clearly this all ties in to our current state of affairs. There certainly will never be a wedding or celebration now--though let's admit. That was a stretch anyways. Don's teeth and mine are going to have to be worked on later. Christmas will have to be put off another year for me and Don but I ...
Poor Don is a little bewildered to our situation and I am also finding it hard not to lose my goddamn mind right now.
These are the times I wish I had some stash of anti anxiety cures but I haven't been one to ever go there so it's not something I want to do but this is not great for me at all. What I should have realized back before I made this move was that these people owe me less than nothing--and clearly given the historical facts, I should have known better and been a little bit more protective of me and my dog and husband. I should have been able to predict this given it was mentioned to me often that the familial obligation and connection wasn't one other people saw in context to me and them. I kind of brushed it off as nonsense and again, thinking it was baloney and they just didn't get to know me well enough yet, but would, in time.
But after 6 years in and maybe just as many times seeing my sister during this time, maybe a handful more, well--the signs were all there but I was just ignoring them. ...
