So my grandmother isn't doing any better apparently. Her sudden turn has me going back to 2001 and 9/11 actually. See, she was supposed to outlive me. I know, pushing 90 seems like a strange comparison to my life, but I'm already more than broken inside, my physical everything is a bit of a mess and I've got fewer and fewer people who give a shit as time goes on. I lamented the catastrophic loss of life in 2001 because so many of those people had so many people who gave a shit. I could imagine exactly 0 people at the time putting up missing posters for me. And I wondered why I was allowed to continue on with so many people NOT invested in me being alive or seeming to give a shit at all. How did I get the pass to live when so many others deserved it more?
I'm feeling that way about my grandmother--she has so many people who have invested themselves with her and with time with her, my father being one of them. They're friends, see, they've always been friends, and certainly enjoy a relationship and closeness I just haven't ever had with ...
I realized something last night thinking about my grandmother and her husband. He died on Monday and she is now in hospice and things are not looking great for her. I know I always say I don't believe in regret, but our letter writing campaign is maybe only a year old and I should have started sooner. But something I realized recently that I would modify from one of my better sayings--Life happens when you're making other plans. And yes, Death does that too. A perfectly balanced dichotomy that has held true for each one of us, though you'd hope that mostly heavy burden to the right of that idea is not one we suffer in too often. I was surprised, we'll say that, though I guess that's what I also must have realized since I did start writing her in the last year of her better life. Right now you hope she's not suffering, but I also know that's not promised either.
Without context anything appearing great can be ruined. I feel that has been largely missing from our recent living experience for everyone. Some people's context seems to be largely unaffected, and some people seem to ...
Wow, I feel like an absolute ass. The more classes I take, the more I learn my mistakes haven't been small or insignificant. They are huge, massive misses in a world where I have had access to all the tools but haven't been able to figure out how to use them correctly.
All good, I'm finally figuring this out and I have a lot of entries written for the coronabalona site and some others. This will not look ANYTHING like it does right now by the end of the year as my next classes are WordPress ones. I want to kick myself square in the jaw for letting several of my genius sites go over the years--because all I had to do was take some classes instead of begging people for favors when they had their own shit to do. My brain doesn't work as well for self-directed lessons as it does with direct instruction--my attention span is pretty damaged from all the strokes I've had and now I am just nervous this next surgery is going to wreck whatever good brain matter I have left and ruin everything. I have the next test on 11/30 and we will ...
