Sadness and Loss

So my grandmother isn't doing any better apparently. Her sudden turn has me going back to 2001 and 9/11 actually. See, she was supposed to outlive me. I know, pushing 90 seems like a strange comparison to my life, but I'm already more than broken inside, my physical everything is a bit of a mess and I've got fewer and fewer people who give a shit as time goes on. I lamented the catastrophic loss of life in 2001 because so many of those people had so many people who gave a shit. I could imagine exactly 0 people at the time putting up missing posters for me. And I wondered why I was allowed to continue on with so many people NOT invested in me being alive or seeming to give a shit at all. How did I get the pass to live when so many others deserved it more?

I'm feeling that way about my grandmother--she has so many people who have invested themselves with her and with time with her, my father being one of them. They're friends, see, they've always been friends, and certainly enjoy a relationship and closeness I just haven't ever had with ...