I don't quite know how I am going to tie my title to a relevant post, but I just like the flow of the words...I suppose many of us may prove to be caricatures of envy, wondering how we got skipped over when things were being allocated, but honestly I have no quick reference to tie that into anything that screams truth to me. I suppose I may seem envious of others who may seem to have it easier, envious of certain life circumstances I cannot participate in (babies, weddings, things that aren't really indicative of much aside from certainly not suffering from a lack of money or resources)--but I don't want to be anyone but me. I suppose sometimes I've said many people seem to find some solace in knowing they are not me, but I think I am pretty fucking fantastic, so whatever, world. Suck it.
I wouldn't want to be anyone but me because I wouldn't know how--and I have tried at times to shirk certain fixations, tried to erase my concern--but it's not something I can do with any great success (say F the world, it's all about me). That MAY make me totally stupid in ...
I feel like I might need to mark this day because I am hoping it will arc into a longer and larger trend. But last night was the first night we didn't drink ourselves drunk in some time. With a declared intention and perhaps even the temptation of wine, we didn't do it, and fell asleep naturally, sans alcoholic intervention. I've mentioned this in passing on occasion, but the both of us have turned into alcoholics, hence it's not hard to draw the line to say things like, we are both waiting to die, which I wrote a few posts ago.
I realize it's kind of probably disappointing for some people, thinking they are going to come here and read some inspirational, she never life get her down bullshit, but I am not superhuman, nor do I want to be--the strength I muster to continue on seems sufficient enough for me sometimes, despite or in spite of all of the bullshit with opportunity, cash deficiencies and yes, even bad decisions I made which have left me in the place I am in. One thing I can say is I never give up, or not for long, as I am always ...
Oh, but I did try and Don and I talked about it--what we would do. Without kids or family that likes us much, we would have to donate 90% of it, given how much COULD you really spend in what, ten, twenty years max? Maybe some of my stress would decrease as well and maybe that would mean a longer life...but what I would do as a middle finger to the city of Denver is buy a few buildings and refurbish them into housing for homeless people in the city. I would want to have it be a community kind of thing where the group puts in the effort to keep shit running and employ people that way, but I do think it would be a worthy kinda thing. Granted, I am sure many people would just fucking peace out from the country, but if I had a way to help, I would do a TON of it. We don't live in Tennesssee and I also missed on the scratch offs I got at the same time--I've been playing $10-$20 a week since the election trying to tempt our luck, or fate, or fucking god to step in and ...
