JFC. I have no idea who that girl was yesterday--those are not shoes I like to sit in for very long, and I have realized in my life that your experience is largely dictated by your attitude. Now I don't have the ability, clearly, to wish friends into existence here, but I can choose my attitude daily. Obviously right now there are some other forces in play that have some affect on my general feelings. I mentioned I am going through menopause--I haven't had my period since January--I started taking soy isoflavones and also MSM crystals, 1/2 tsp twice a day. The MSM is almost magical shit--I hope it kind of sets me up for some success in surgery--it has some anti-inflammatory properties that might bode well for me ultimately in the end. The other thing is the PEMF mat and the boots which attach to your legs when you are laid up in an easy chair all day are things I need to secure pre and post surgical intervention. I haven't solved the easy chair/recliner issue yet, but that's why they have Facebook marketplace, right? I am trying not to be a fucking burden on everyone ...
I am very fucking alone right now, which is obviously not a surprise, but for those of you who have family who are good, who have friends who are there--be grateful. Not kidding you I could die tomorrow and nobody would come to my funeral--I would never force my husband into any service with no attendants. The cremation company did tell me that unless I had a battery-implanted device that they would not have to re-operate on my body to excise it, so I do feel a lot better than I did. I have a new folder on my laptop: In Case I die so he has some reference point.
I am considering trying to find some local work in a grocery store just to help with the immediate needs--that $300 for a special cleaning and $1200 tooth are not going to pay for themselves and every penny my husband makes goes to us and this mess of a body I have here. Obviously nobody is contacting me from LinkedIn so I am going to have to admit--my skillset is not highly valuable at all. Obviously if you have been reading here for any length of time I ...
So today is what I would consider almost the countdown--yesterday was the technical date--I never want to be seen as a fool so I tend to make decisions not on April Fool's, but for before. I had to get a dental clearance for the procedure--and only $300 [!!!] later earlier today was I okay and cleared. This of course took all of our remaining credit so I did cancel the Kite Festival hotel room I had booked for us in Virginia Beach at the end of April--that was supposed to be our first beach thing and I might very well die before I ever get to do that. Whatever. At first I was going to complain about that, but then I realized something rational I said to my birth father the other day--"at our age, if you don't have your shit together, you don't get to do nice things, you don't get to buy houses." And I realized that yeah, this country is a cesspool for sick people--on top of the sickness you get to understand there is a hell of a lot more that you can't do than you can when it comes to getting financially solid.
I ...
