I was adopted a long time ago. Spoke to my natural by blood half sister last night for a couple hours.
Though my upbringing was riddled with quasi emotional strife not knowing who I was, where I came from, or seeing anyone with a likeness to my face, things have suddenly taken a turn-around. I used to think trading in my family was the answer to all of my issues, but now I realize that a complete trade-in would require a warranty of sorts. A promise of connections I don't even think I have the energy to support. Phone, email. I wish I had more time to spend the minutes in the presence of the people I care about, as opposed to the fake-o technological hugs that we depend on to feel whole and emotionally well.
So then there is this issue of rent. Free rent. Paid rent. I might have an apartment on 9th street and Avenue A by next Spring or summer. One bedroom, dirt cheap. All for me.
But ANYWAY, here I am, utilizing the computer at my friend's house, thinking about fifteen million things.
I gotta edit some pictures. Maybe I will stick one up here or something.
So working at this gym has taught me a little bit about my limitations; exercise, though healthy for me and certainly necessary given my health issues, is something I really don't have enough time to pursue.
Working these two jobs has almost killed all of my motivation to do more than sell gym memberships, and collect lots of money for very little effort.
Anyhow, I am going to try to get super-addicted to cardio activities including running. Technically I am a size 6 with my current measurements, but in order to fully take advantage of a modeling experiment, I could stand to lose a couple inches on the waist and hips. Most of my pants are 4/6s but I am also feeling slimy, bloated, and in need of some rejuvenation.
And on another note, I was reading this book heartbreaking work of staggering genius, and came upon some twisted up memories of certain adventures I had partaken in some years ago; when New York was new, and all of the attention I had from men was still bizarre, and uncomfortable.
My business partner got knocked up by a photographer friend of mine. So the business has to take a different turn for a time. ...
It's funny how strange it is to learn the lessons I have learned. Purely by chance, circumstance.
People definitely have "disappointed" me for quite some time. I decided to quit noticing that and start picturing myself in other places. Not in a voodoo like manner but to really think and feel and picture and believe.
People have said to me for years I was so strong, so positive. What a crock of shit that was. I just started learning what positivity really is, and as a result have come to understand the ill effects it has had on my life and well-being. My mind has a complete and direct correlation with every single thing that has "befallen" me. I quote these things because they are a direct misrepresentation of how I should have not thought.
If you think about your power to make people look at you in a room where you do nothing to attract them but for purely the thought. Then you think about the ideas of WANTing to attract that, and then seeing it, then believing it. It's funny I hadn't a clue how fucked up I was until someone else, a stranger pointed it out to me.
I also saw ...
