So my weekend was full of drama and too much emotion to stomach so well, but that's okay.
My birth mother and her mother were in town for the first time together. Her mother spent a good deal of time shedding the guilt she has carried in tears because she made Barbara give me up.
It's funny when you do the math: I have known my blood for a little over 9 days total throughout my entire existence. It's funny when you're adopted and you finally get to see some familiarity in faces and mannerisms. I have come to understand that nature and nurture are almost equal in the ways that they come together to make a person. I am almost nothing like my parents that I know, but to see these women in front of me and watch how they move and understand the simple things..well, it all makes sense. Thankfully, my mother at 44 is really really beautiful, and bears a striking resemblance to what I may look like one of these days.
On another note, my job is life-draining and terrible. I have no time to do anything I want to do..and it's sucking the life out of me like ...
My boy has this incredible ability to be the best spooner on the planet. 99% of the time he is spooning, or I am spooning and we just spend a good portion of the night spooned together.
Today is that bright placid liquidy kind of day. Tomorrow evening my mother and her mother (by blood that is) are going to be in my presence for the first time ever. Birth mothers, birth grandmothers; essentially they both get called by their first names anyway.
I have realized my boy has played into the broken wing night in shining something syndrome. He is feeling uncomfortable that I can survive so well in the space he demanded I give him. I guess half of him wanted me to stand up, and the other half wanted me to beg him to pay attention to me. Last night the thought of not being with him was a frightening prospect. At first because I think he wants to take care of me. It seems from the information I have had, he has previously dated insane, emotionally infantile, intelligence half-baked girls who wanted to be big girls but either went nuts or decided to porn their emotions out (literally) ...
Lately I have been contemplating my future, and my present, all because I have seen my past.
The other night I saw J, and it hurt, to see him, realizing it was not me with him. i was apart from him. And although it has been a long time since we were ever seen as one, it makes me wonder, if certain events had transpired, or other ones had not, would we ever have found each other snuggly patched into the same sentence again?
and I realize, while looking at my past, how very much my present makes sense. i ended up with someone the exact opposite of him. someone comfortable, though sometimes maybe overly so. of conveying emotion. being weak. and in my weaker moments, the ones where i am judging everything around me, i realize that being the caretaker is not a role i want to be in for any great length of time. ever since j and i parted it has been all about that, taking care of various loose ends, people without roots, people who have roots but no base.
and i think back to that thursday in may, when things might have changed. and i wonder what purpose ...
