It's funny. I don't think of myself as much of a fighter, especially in relationships. For some reason lately I have been doing nothing else with Johnnie. Fight fight, fight. Yesterday I did well in subduing an anxiety attack that was prevalent in my head. I think the reason I have been able to avoid psychologists and psychiatrists in general is because I just shut myself down. When people get angry with me, the issue slides off of me like wet mud. I just don't let people get to me like that. Back some years ago I had this guy in my life who was a master manipulator; everything he accused me of was something that he was doing to me. I realize when people go overboard in freaking out, and pointing out issues, they are actually the ones guilty of the accusation. I don't really necessarily think this is the case with him, but something feels awry.
Both he and I are sort of virginal to successful relationships, and he has been accusing me lately of trying to start fights so that we aren't together. Funny thing is, most of the conflict originates on his end. I just don't ...
My life is sometimes so disorganized, I have to remind myself of what I feel. I lose papers in papers, smeared with lipstick, red streaks leaving scarlet letters of my inconsistent responsibility.
I suppose that people sometimes need people. Sometimes I want to punch everyone in the face. Not for lack of apathy, or even extreme anger. I just think it would be nice to see someone else bleed every once in a while. I suppose it is my drive to make other people hurt as much as I do. The operative meaning being sometimes. Melancholy is what I had written about my posting following this. I fight with myself sometimes about what it all means. Am I negative because sometimes I only see the black spaces between the white? Or am I positive because I try to paint the white spaces way outside the lines? It really is a sickening problem, not too obvious, and confusing enough to cause a disturbing bout of anxiety.
I can say that I envy those with simpler concerns. I could almost tear my skin off with the frustration of constantly having to recognize that I am sick, and somehow getting sicker in different ...
Kelley is here, sleeping away on my futon. She rules, of course, and our visits next time cannot be so sparse. In the, 4? or 3 whatever years we have been plopping around on this site, first in chat then on our own pages, some of you guys deserve mad props for being such good friends. Some of you can also stick your heads in an oven, but for the most part, my feelings about this site are not just serene, but nostalgic. A psychotic statement at best, but sometimes I like to stick some drama in, to rile a few opponents up.
One thing I did do yesterday after work that was stupid was get completely wrecked with my trainer, and the training manager to the point that I latched my arms around the manager's neck and had him bound down the street with my ass beaming on his back. Which was fine, until I missed my stop in New Jersey on the ferry. rode back to nyc, tried to get up and was told by my ferry boys that I missed my stop and we will wake you up. I left my fucking book in the seat in ...
