I wake up every morning at 4 am, struck with worry, wondering how on earth we are going to make it, what the fuck does a future look like? I have been in the house for 6 weeks, completely, and I am talking almost desperately DIRT poor. Luckily we had some food assistance but that…
I got the dog back the other day. Well, a week ago. I suppose there wasn’t much urgency to tell you all, given I am not sure who the fuck constitutes “you all” or even if that encompasses a scope beyond one or two. At one point I felt I had an audience though I…
I cannot even explain the frustration and deep pull of my heart in my chest right now. It is truly a heavy fucking weight right now, and is probably not the best thing for me to be enduring right now either. I had an aortic stent surgery a month or so ago…and getting everyone to…
Sometimes I wonder if I am still alive and as I pore through the ramblings of years past and recognize the patterns in misery, I have to wonder when I will give up. Not if, but when as clearly the patterns aren’t lending themselves to me having an easier time. I go back through even…
I’ve been sitting in between the space of a few things. It’s a little uncomfortable, but not a lot is comfortable in the grand context of my existence. I feel not real, not entirely visible, a kind of atomized version of who I felt I once was. I stay inside a lot. A terrible lot…
I think you know you’re officially old when you age out of the breeding pool. I don’t meant that there aren’t women getting pregnant at my age, but it seems that waiting for children is something people in cities do. In the country, well, Denver is country in ways you city folk wouldn’t understand. In…
I’ve got a birthday coming up here in a week and it’s sent me into a tailspin of reflection. The where I have been, where I’m going, and where I want to be I am pretty clear on. I’m rarely satisfied, so being uncomfortable with all of these things is really not out of the…
I suppose enlisting in the army might have had some benefits-namely some discipline I sorely lack. You’ve got to wonder how I spin in and out of these beautiful literations, sometimes really clever, though lately I am far from inspiring. I feel like my language has been dumbed down being here in Denver, understanding that…
There have been more than a few times in life I felt like I needed a do-ever, a chance to start again. Leaving Massachusetts was something I’d been dreaming about since we moved there from Colorado in ’88, the whole state leaving me filled with dread. It’s hard not to feel heavy-hearted living there much of the year,…
I’ve been somewhat of an insomniac since I moved here to Denver. When I was living on the East coast I didn’t always sleep so well, but here it’s like a plague I have managed to infect Don with-I feel like my constant worrying in the crux of where the night meets morning has somehow…
