just work a little harder to get out of hate with myself
I’ve been sitting in between the space of a few things. It’s a little uncomfortable, but not a lot is comfortable in the grand context of my existence. I feel not real, not entirely visible, a kind of atomized version of who I felt I once was. I stay inside a lot. A terrible lot considering the space I’ve had in my life the last two months to really spread my wings out and fly. You can’t fly on a paper airplane without any change in your pocket, though. And so I am invisible, nobody sees me, I’ve got no ability to really participate in life that much, mostly because my own stupidity in losing the title of my car has rendered me car-less, the last small bits of my freedom stuck behind several hundred dollars worth of fees that I won’t even have to pay off until I am several weeks into my job. That bit has made things a little less interesting and I can admit the motivation to do nothing aside from worry and wonder and hope my way out of the situation has kind of rendered me a little paralyzed. Not kind of, exclusively and extensively paralyzed spiritually as well as physically rendered me invisible. I stay inside because now it’s cold out there and where is there to go which doesn’t encourage spending either by getting there or being there or shopping there? I can walk in circles in the park in love with the fact I am breathing, but there’s got to be more to look forward to than dances in love with myself. Friends? Oh, I’ve got a few and I see one squish more than the next, but she often just reminds me of who I used to be instead of the shell of that girl now.
So I stay inside and read and sometimes I watch movies and sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of tv shows and sometimes I make stuff I often leave half-finished. I have decided to limit my use of social reading adventures like Facebook and focus a little more on what I want to say on a given day. Here, here, yes. And then I have this plan of lists which I hope improves my progress with every other dream I have. They all involve leaving here and going back east or really just anywhere else. It is hard to sit in the ashes of your dreams and know you can never make bricks this way. I think I’ve almost forgotten how to make bricks anymore anyways.
I feel that I might have fallen victim to what I’ve been screaming about, recognizing and realizing that having the world at my fingertips has pushed my tether further out from the core of where I’m supposed to be. (Yes, blame it on the computer) I’m starting a new job Monday I hope will re-center my focus and values on time and how valuable it really is. There were so many periods of time in my life where I pleaded for just “more time” to either continue on (because I was literally dying) or do what I wanted because there was no time for any of that. I just had a two month break full of zero commitments aside from getting a job, which took 6 weeks of time and focus, sure, but there were spaces in between where things could be achieved. Instead I sat here paralyzed by my lack of true motivation, I suppose. Where did it go and where have I been? Why can’t I wake my own self up, I wonder. I suppose it’s a lack of true belief, a recognition for where I’ve been and where I could be going. I am the most talented loser you’ll ever know. Well, now, I suppose we could say that, but maybe I just have to work a little harder to get out of hate with myself.
