Man, that was not what I meant to do, wait this long anyhow. I was trying to hold myself up to different standards, or rather any standard at all given my history. I disappear often for spans of time and I suppose the mind often corners itself in dark places---this meaning me and maybe you, too. Right now it's imperative I not wait this long because I might just forget all of my life over just the bigger chunks I am missing from my historical record right now. I think the bigger chunks are just the details of some things, maybe some faces or names even. As I do believe you could fill a room with everyone I ever had met and I might be sparked into recognition by a handful--maybe. Maybe I was more memorable, maybe.
At this point none of that matters, what was at this point. I am trying to move further ahead and actually make some plans for once. There were years plans were just jokes on me, the years my fear of the ticking time bomb would wreck them all and honestly--even disclosing my fears for a short life to my surgeons-- none ...
One thing I think is not widely accepted, or talked about with these kinds of events we can endure, is how sometimes it's not always a revelation or gratitude we all feel for having survived this. I am speaking for those of you who just were living your lives, maybe didn't even have anything the way you wanted and then boom, you're laid out, you don't feel the same as you did, and life is forever changed for you and those close to you. I think there is certainly something to be said for the heroes we see who do take their battles in stride and sometimes come out better for them, but there are also regular people in our world, people who don't know what to think or have the tools to come out instantly better for our experiences. Sometimes we were struggling in life to start and then get slapped with this nice rendition of "life always happens when you are making other plans" and are not left better for it.
I get it, because I have been there and honestly, I still of course sometimes do go there. But something struck me about my strife ...
Okay, so I figured out some things, having really taken a deep look at our finances, or mine, for that matter, since I am the one without the resources and really, without a hell of a lot of the hope you'd think a grown adult with no children would have the space to have. I realize what I have to do. And I swear to you I think I can make it happen--it will take a little more from me than I sometimes think I have the space to give, but I need to get this goal completed and with the help of my interweb friends, I hope you and some you know can make it happen. As I have realized a $65k student loan would be 2,166 t-shirts or some combination of 100 headbands and 2,000 tshirts. But I have to figure it out. Now in the process if I could somehow attain that damn copywriting expertise, that might be something, but for now I think what I need to do is find a home for 33 t-shirts every month out the door, at minimum. Now if I did more than that, fine, but I am thinking ...
