Well well well.
Hmmm hmmm hmmm.
These are the utterances of someone who feels they might be able to gloat, or maybe reprimand another if that opportunity arises. It is almost February of 2019 and I have mentioned to Don twice over the past three years, "if things do not change, we will drive off a cliff. " Usually this is qualified with, next year if we are doing the same things, fuck it. Now the dog IS still alive and it would not be easy for me to leave him in the care of whomever and yeah, technically yes, this would all be a terrible travesty and people would pretend to care for fifteen minutes and we would be forgotten as before. You hear all the time killing yourself is a selfish thing, but sometimes I feel like it is sometimes the only way to avoid the bullshit.
Fortunately for anyone not happy with the idea of suicide, things have changed, and maybe last year's change was big, but this year's are bigger technically. They have the ability to really facilitate something great for us, provided I can find a few other revenue streams to offset the loss ...
Man, the post I started writing Saturday before our ride to mexican fast food breakfast was a bit dire, a bit depressing and a kind of sobering reflection on his drunk words. Like many of you, we don't have a perfect relationship, and he fucking drives me insane a lot of the time, and a lot of the time he loves me even though I am acting crazy. A dichotomous take on a duality we seem to possess in our relations to each other, I suppose. There have been a few times I have thought, fuck it, I deserve better, though those times aren't too many and are really not rooted in some absurd abusive situation in our relationship.
This man and I can talk about anyyyything and I am serious ANYTHING. I can count on his agreement on most matters of the heart, most matters of conscience because he does have the core of my heart and even cries sometimes when I am not--I mean the tears of joy for other people and moments of reflection I see him have sometimes. And he is smart as hell and keeps me calm when I am trying to bust apart ...
So I am drunk enough right now to be honest in some ways I am not normally prepared to disclose, but it seems the right time, the sentiment needs to be recorded, and wow. Sometimes, sometimes I am not feeling the best. See, this man I am married to threatens to leave me all of the fucking time, if you want to get down to brass tacks. It was probably the reason the wine glass went the way it did and it was the sentiment left over after so many fights, so many times me, stuck, nowhere to go, no friends, see.
No really, nothing happens in physical spaces for me in terms of human interaction, barely any, if any could be considered that way. He has done it a lot a lot a lot, and honestly there has been little stability in terms of thinking I am eventually going to be left which is probably why it's a good thing my wedding was this. A lawyer's office visit and a signature and sushi. Sex of course, but that's it, nothing else worth remarking, no dress, nothing like that. He does often make me feel like I ...
