Wow, all those years I missed in therapy didn't teach me what I didn't know about myself. And what I do know is I am an emotionally needy person who has made a lot of poor decisions in my search for that elusive four letter word in all of its forms.
Yup, guys, we are talking about love.
LOVE.
Man all of my decisions I have made pretty much ever in my life was to secure the favor, attention or love of another person. Every move I have made, almost every job I have taken, every breath I have taken has been in search for this elusive thing that lots of people seem to have no trouble achieving. Someone to give a shit about me. And let's be honest, more accurately, someone to not throw me away.
I suppose the theme was set from the moment I was born, tossed into foster care, broken-eyed (no really they had scabs) but not too broken my parents wouldn't adopt me. They ended up having two of their own and I was sandwiched in the middle and middle children, especially those born from different stock, different physiology, man it is hard already and ...
I started realizing some of the hypocrisy of my own soul, some ideas and ideals I project to bitch about yet talk about and give fuel to all too much. These ideas being money and the ability truly to buy solutions, which truly is a power I have not tried to gain or use in some years. I know what the damn solutions are. Keep in mind I have owned at least 12 websites in my life for all manner of ideas--but have I had the discipline to complete this, or any ideas, really? Apparently not. I really have to stop my excuses.
I have a solution solving March's student loan payment, a period of 3 paychecks this month which happens a few times a year and will help off-set that. Giving me now approximately 6 weeks to get the money together for the next month.
This has allowed me to breathe, and with recent incidents and numbness in my arm, well, shit, iut has made figuring this out a lot more achievable as it just takes some effort and wretched discipline to glean the information one would need to solve this problem.
With that being said, I realize I have ...
I still do those what I used to think were clever plays on words though most people...of course I was going to write most people do not give a fuck what I write. Of course most people don't, my god. I am not some hero, but rather an antagonist in some situations and I guess a breath of fresh air in others.
I ended up in the ER yesterday, and if you know me, you know I don't like the ER, but I make a point to never go unless I have no choice or the pain is that bad. I was there from 8 to roughly 5 and harassed my husband awake after sleeping 2 hours in 36 because I was in a lot of pain and don't shut up sometimes. And I wanted to go home.
I thought I was having a heart attack because who knows. I had a left numb arm, and ripping pain across my shoulder blades. I googled it thinking, yeah, these symptoms match that and so I made him take me in. I still have them all, but nothing could be found to cause it all.
Now I had not gone in for like ...
