Man. The abortion argument has kind of torn a bit of my soul out lately. I have found myself wondering why everyone feels so very comfortable bestowing judgments down on people who really didn't ask their opinions anyways. Between that and the inordinate amount of time people are spending admonishing and judging others while never using the same judgment on their politicians who don't want to provide basic health and human services to our communities but want to burden mother and child to a community which has no resources? Does anyone even see what you are doing? Has anyone thought themselves outside of the paper bag lately because it is lunacy that we think our judgment and the currency of that and promising nothing but prison to moms who might already have families is a sensible reaction. Don't just trash one kid's life, take the whole family down too right, you are so pro-life?
No but it's just the doctors, don't worry fuck the doctors they might have families, but so what? Come on now, everyone, this is beyond you and what makes you feel icky. Abortion is not a walk in the park but a terrible draining ...
Man, the problem with having a document of your life going back 20 years as a kind of permanent record is fucking enlightening if you've avoided all practice of self-awareness. What I mean is ignoring previous incarnations and promises BEFORE, ten twenty years ago TALKING about all the shit you're trying to do and then seeing yes, almost two decades later you are still treading water because you legitimately have not thrown yourself off any cliff, made any attempts to finish a thing, just a bunch of empty promises rarely followed through with--to change that kind of person is a struggle and HOLY shit the books I have read I have read them all. I have gone through the whole evolution of books, yes I tried therapy at points, and seminars and programs galore. I have tried to figure out what is slowing me up to put myself out there at all and I guess it's fucking fear. I have been around the internet a long long time. I've been bullied, I've been doxed, I've been harassed and threatened and that was before instagram and facebook. I have enough experience with people to recognize some of you are ...
well look at that. I failed to deliver.
It's coming kids, it's just a gross terrible story and it is all related to the heart shebangs so it's not as easy as I thought to talk about all yeah this happened so what? Not sure I ever let myself get over the whole situation, which I brought on myself, mind you. Not in a I intended to get pregnant way, but the disaster that surrounded me for a while was far less fun than you would think and was entirely my fault.
You know those stories where the girl has sex for the first time and ends up pregnant? Clearly I was not a virgin by the time I got pregnant, nor anything close--but this is one of those kinds of stories and it will be clear exactly what I mean by that soon enough.
But not right now because...I need a nap dammit. <3 to you world
