you are who you are until you aren’t that person anymore…
Man oh man…I think we are all at a loss for words these days a lot of the time. I mean…look around you–what IS there to say a lot of the time But…yeah, it’s okay, it will get better. I have been struggling with my attempts to right the wrong my life has turned me towards–the wrong of not having enough, of feeling like you owe everyone all of the time. The wrong of feeling like…being alive sometimes is not enough at all, people. Sometimes being alive is just an endless cycle of Groundhog’s Day, and yes, I mean the movie…if we are not moving towards something what on earth are we even doing but subsisting, existing, just sitting?
Progress I am barely making. I have set up payment plans with the world but the hospital is still suing ME for what my insurance wouldn’t pay. I have no idea how to feel about it, but I can tell you…in the time Don and I have been together I have been to three weddings and all have children and are working on more and JFC I can’t even manage my student loan or a nice apartment, or my god the indulgence of a party to celebrate my marriage–I can’t even express my disappointment that at 40 I still couldn’t afford a fucking wedding.
Ugh. I gotta write the book. It appears that the strokey brain bullshit isn’t just a Deanna thing but possibly a gene thing and that means…I am on limited time. I am not interested in getting stuck in a home or bedridden or anything. I will jump out of an airplane, something I ALWAYS wanted to do…or go visit a million rollercoasters, which were also my favorite thing at one time…I am NOT going to sit alive for someone else’s bullshit, basically. I am here trying to find a nice word for ego or whatever, but it’s essentially bullshit because no…I am who I am and that isn’t me and I don’t need to be a fucking hero for anyone, obviously.
Things are shifting. Get me out of here. I tried to win that powerball but picked none of the right numbers, dammit.
Someday things will be better still.
