when cruelty is the point
People never cease to surprise me at the levels of the cruelty they are willing to immerse themselves into to show you just what a piece of shit they think you are. I battle people all the time on healthcare rights and even basic things like, don’t tell me what to do with my body. As I have mentioned before, I am totally fucking alone right now. And I mean it. I am without much in terms of human contact but by voice 7 days a week for the next 6 months or so.
This week was definitely challenging as it was the week I realized people will actually laugh at the fact that I will definitely kill myself if my healthcare is rescinded, over burden someone else with responsibilities that lie outside the realms of decency. I will not burden someone to carry the bills that are inevitable if I stroke out and I do hope to die immediately if so, as my wit is all I fucking have most of the time.
This week I got a speeding ticket where the officer told me that it was perfectly legal to talk on the phone and drive. I also burst my left eye’s blood vessels so most assuredly am ghouled out and ugly. I pressed my left eye too hard with my knuckle (I never touch my eyes as that is what entices true sickness)–I do look fucked up but for someone so allergic to most American’s unreasonable sentiments–that is perfectly fine. Nobody will talk to me, which is probably a better thing.
Today I composed a stellar resignation letter to my current job. The micromanagement is INTENSE, as are the goals which do seem impossible given circumstances. I did write a perfectly legible letter, perfectly concise, with notes on micromanagement which did seem to strike a nerve with a few people I sent or read it to–the only issue is the health insurance, of course. Tuesday morning I will likely be sending it out to the team, as it makes absolutely no sense to not try and do something beneficial for the remaining team suffering under what is very much authoritarian rule. I have been told nobody should talk to anyone, nor im anyone, and if you do, you might get reprimanded. Normally I escape such scrutiny because I am fucking great at my job. I am kind, concise and take the time to explain things in a perfectly coherent way because I give a shit about people’s experiences on vacation and before they even leave. But I got asked a question on what I was doing over a 20 minute time period when the supervisor could have just, you know, listened to my damn call as they are always able to do. It got pretty heated and I sent a few messages on making work not fun and miserable, and maybe instead of having 4 people on the weekends and having 20+ on Mondays, perhaps someone should do a better job of staffing so we would not be short. That was my insinuation, though not directly stated because I did say, huh. I find it fascinating you guys book 4 sales reps on the busiest days yet have 20+ on weekdays. Then I talked to a few people who drove SOME sense into me about waiting. But after the week I had…um. Let’s say my patience was thin.
Tonight, someone leftover from my past cut me out of one of the only points of socialization I seemingly had left, gleefully cutting me out of a group I was in with some other fellow friends, because, because yes, the cruelty is the point. People absolutely adore exerting their power when they can. People who claim they are the best people do this most successfully, but as cruelty is the new tender of punishment, well, I guess I should not have been surprised at her pettiness. People are not good, I hate to tell you. Most are infinitely selfish and do not see the error of that me me me me me me me that pervades so much of the public and private space. People who have the least amount of power seem to wield this with the most success, which was fine because I almost predicted it. I mean. I did think shit, she does not know she forgot to throw me out of this group when she decided I was a piece of shit for telling her none of us could ever know the circumstances which would lead a woman to terminate a pregnancy and that none of us had really any right to exert our opinions on situations we were not willing to try and remedy with our help. These fun points do escape the cruel, because they thrive on driving the dagger deeper in, yes, to show you what a piece of shit you are. I got the message. I most definitely received it, loud and clear.
I have always had a hard time trusting women because–well, they are largely garbage people. Conniving manipulative things that will do all they can to get what they want–lie, cheat and steal because that is what, a survival tactic? I do not find affinities for what most women truly are–because I am a decent person despite the fact I have a fucking vagina. I give a shit about the world around me, and yeah, even fucking unborn babies. But, as I have seen with my own eyes and experience, simply HAVING a baby doesn’t make you a good or better person. And having a baby and throwing it to get adopted by whomever–well, let’s just say not all candidates who do adopt should be allowed to do that.
I know I know, life and all that shit, but, as experience has readily shown me–people don’t give a shit about me if I threaten to kill myself to save people from the debt. People don’t give a shit about me aside from trying to what, teach me a fucking lesson about how shitty women can be? I did not need a lesson on that. That is readily apparent with so many of my female friendships it is almost ridiculous. I am humble and grateful for all I have–and though it’s not a hell of a lot. At least I am not fueled by hate and spite. Hate and spite will leave you in a fucking lonely place. Some definitely deserve to be there more than others, that I am sure of–but I simply do not care enough to spend my time hating people who couldn’t care less about me either way.
This does mean you, Erin, you Barbara, you Stephanie, you Deb, and yes, you Lisa. You guys are all women I trusted EXPLICITLY–some I guess I am unsure ever earned it. But shit, two of these women were actually closer than my own sister to me. Women I would have fucking given my life for at points. Now that I see the tender of cruelty they were so happy to wield, well, again. I do not wish them poor health or any poor outcomes. I just hope all of them stay far away from me. The cruelty is not the point with me, see. I just need people who are ready to be supportive over cruel and mean. That’s a fucking hard sell for most women, so it’s just Don I have learned to trust since all of this shit went down with all of these women, at different points over the past several years. I think he’s had his own unique experiences to bring to the table with women and his family, and maybe now that I literally have not a soul with a vagina I would trust save maybe two–well, shit, guys. This life I have has been lonely. It’s been getting slowly better, sure. But—wow. Wow on the levels people who sink to in order to send you a message. Heard it. I get it. Whatever is about as much care and concern I will give any of you in my brain most days. Sure, sure I get sad and wonder WTF did I do to any of these people, but–I can control nothing but my reactions, maybe aside from some words uttered or written every now and again.
I simply do not care. That has been my key to surviving this shit for as long as I have, really. As Sean used to say, be like water. Depending on anyone too long is a losing bet, and all of these people, some I know for MOST of my life—I trusted them, and learned. I trust me and him. Anyone beyond that seems too far to stretch that net.
Fuck trust. And fuck those who you can’t.
