things settle down in upside-down layers sometimes
hmm..triple three three three..times.
I try and try to figure it out, all these fucked up heartbeats around me, the men who don’t fucking feel the smallest sentiment to my best friend who seems to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.
I used to think that I consistently had some positive influence on the people around me. Lately I have come to the conclusion that I just am. Good nice positive, negative, hole whatever. I just exist. But even with all this newly found family stuff swirling around my brain, it’s hard for me to get too wrapped up in anything regarding the past. Be it past views of what I had known as family, past impressions thumbed like a knife in my heart. Today, and letting the dribbles of tomorrow filter into today’s discussion are as far as I can allow.
I keep seeing the sun captured on two-d meaning: the sun and it’s impressions, the smells filtering through the tv screen. I remembered when I worshipped the sun for the allowance that it provided me to play outside, or how it warmed the outside layers of grass and feet and arms and lips. And allowed me to sneak out my window for 6 years straight before being caught…The sun somehow smells different to me unless I remember this time again, and it’s odd that a smell can be so close yet so far away from me.
When I was 12 I thought I could live forever.
When I was 18 I thought I would die.
When I was 21, I realized it wasn’t as easy as either one.
and.. at the ripe young age of 25…it’s still death that can numb the small ends of my fingers, stretch down, and pull my heart into a small disaster.
oh oh oh…poppin fresh dough…
these were taken tonight..it’s dewy out. it rained. -deAaaaaaaaaaaa
