self pity works for 30 seconds at a time

Published October 28th, 2020 in 2020 | No Comments ยป

So maybe it took more than thirty seconds to write that last post. So maybe I have been feeling like a garbage can full of nothing for a long time. The point is I am definitely someone who has not hit her high. I am absolutely someone who hasn’t achieved anything close to her full potential because I have barely even attempted it.

Fear of success? Nah. Fear of failure, ehh. Hard to say. At this point I am realizing I spend a great deal of time trying to improve the lives of other people and I have done that for years and years. I did it with my birth mother by renovating that building so she had free time to spend with my sister’s children and stop working at a grocery store. I have done it with friends and I have done it with Don. Very rarely have I felt like I should spend the same time on myself because it seemed as if I owed other people over myself. I know I have written and maybe alluded to this in my past, but I am fucking terrible at looking at my life’s problems with the same problem solving aptitudes I take with most other issues.

Last Winter and into the early Spring I had tried to do something with myself and my life and my time finally. I was alone. I barely saw the world aside from brief stints, much like now, but I did have a few more friends. I joined the art league and I took a painting class and a printing class, I had sewing classes lined up and a slew of web classes to help this blog and many others finally realize their full potential. And then, then our friend Corona came in to ruin my good time. I canceled a whole sewing series that had me ending with lining a coat and getting every step of the process formally trained. I canceled painting classes and a secondary printing course. I canceled WP classes so I could build this thing better. And Don came home in April which saved my sanity in many ways, but ultimately, he was right, I spent a great deal of time bitching at people online.

He’s been pretty mad at me over the past year because of that, and I get it. I do…he wasn’t really around when I was doing my classes but heard me continuously bitching about the disaster we have inhabiting the white house right now. And I bitch because I am sick, and since the late Winter, so many more people are sitting in my boat of illness, I find it absolutely fascinating how many sick people still seem to support a man who is counting on their early return to the earth to shore up a crumbling social security fund because there are absolutely hearty rewards to an economy ill-prepared to suffer a moment in the name of cash. I have done the research–typical payouts to social security are about $17k pp per year saved with an early death. And $9k pp per year not paid out in medicaid. And I wonder how the poorest and sickest can continue to support someone who legitimately HATES half of us. But then I realize it is the hate they have been sold on. There is no love for anyone but money and themselves on the right. And so I pose as an angry old man on some right wing news boards to veil my name and sex because yes, I am no feminist, but I absolutely understand the value being a right wing old man has in regards to people taking your word seriously.

And so Don was pretty mad I spent my time posing as an old man and commenting and as I mentioned to him–without friends or children, who else do I vent to? I guess I don’t. But I have realized he is right there with regards to how I spend my time–and since I have nothing to lose–well, fuck it, world. I will get my voice out there unencumbered by the care that anyone doxes me, publicly hates me, shames me, tries to get me fired since I cannot get fired from what I don’t have. I deactivated Facebook the other day since I got cut off from posting for referring to Americans as maggots who care about nobody but themselves. Apparently the larvae of flies complained their feelings were hurt so I got cut off. And I realized, fuck that–we are maggots who appreciate nothing. We are in it for our own survival and will consume the rot of what is left and pretend a mouthful of shit is just rewards. I am over it.

So I have 5 classes on the roster for November, 2 for December and 2 for January so far in my attempts to understand web marketing, twitter, youtube, SEO optimization etc. This blog I will have to rebuild from youtube how to’s as the base level class I was going to take in Spring is NOT available online. The secondary is so we will see. All I know is I have said to Don many times over the past 3 years–we will not be in the same place we were the year before and he has doubled to tripled his income year in and year out. This year is only doubled, but it’s enough to pay rent and have us live. It’s not enough to pay my bills and get my hair done and keep up on my beauty shit so I have to figure this online crap out so I can get some money in to help myself. I am almost a year out from retirement working for other people. It’s about damn time.

Asta la pasta babies. Shit will NOT be the same a year from now for sure. He’s doing well enough at his job it is likely to be triple next year from where he was 4 years ago. And I hope to be up there as well.

Category: 2020

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