rough roads ahead
There’s been some tickling lately in my head–it sometimes manifests in weird deja-vu moments, sometimes it’s me waking up at midnight or two or three am, usually predicated by a night drinking I should not have had. This has happened over a splattering of the first two weeks, but tomorrow it’s a 60 day program we’re on-something we haven’t done since 2018-when a certain husband I know fell off a cruise ship after drinking too much and we vowed off drinking for what ended up being only a few weeks-but was still good practice. Since we moved east a far less often thing, once a week or so but still too much at a time. Right now I need to just stop for a few reasons, the least of which is new rustling for talk about my surgery again, and we all know that’s best avoided, but even still that might require some other intervention, because unlike in times past, we are utterly alone and have been for 17 months-save one trip from Alyse and B, it’s been just utterly isolating. I don’t even know if I remember how to talk to people anymore-I’ve been changing my work search and finally updated some of my online resumes, but I don’t even know anymore if I can handle any customer servicing since everyone is so so mean anymore. Even I can get short with robots in online chat and they aren’t even people-people are infinitely more flawed and capable of a different kind of meanness. I need a stress-free life and that’s not the way to do it.
The ways to do it are not without their stresses-from your own product producing to offering yourself as the product, there’s still vulnerability in all of it. Obviously it would be great if I was seen as any kind of worthy writer, but I can’t even get a comment except on I bite my dog posts so my content isn’t the best-even my other site trying to help people hasn’t had a single visitor, which is hilarious, though the robots will eventually index it somewhere. I think that can take years, but by then the lamentations will be loud enough people will be like, who TF is this person-how did they know? Certainly I don’t expect much off that one. I’m still trying with the other ideas to find something–I know people just put donation buttons at the base of their sites, maybe something to consider-but I still think if I do something like that the expectation should be clear at the outset. Would people pay to talk to me about aortic dissection scars and strokes–maybe they would.
I’m tired, the studio is still being built but videos soon.
