not dead yet

Published June 11th, 2019 in 2019, hearts | No Comments ยป

I think I have used that title more than a few times in my life, always surprised as anyone I make it through certain things. Right now I am focused on my focus and brain to make it all better since certain factors physically I am inept to control. The leg hurts, sure, but since I didn’t totally stroke out over the past 24, I skated past disaster again. Well at least catastrophic kill me within the next 48 kinds of shit. Famous last words, right?

I am going in tomorrow–I know, I know, I don’t want to. I don’t. But since I am not totally on a permanent death wish you do have to do the thing. But I can say I am more used to true catastrophes and navigating them over this wishy washy you have a few days to figure it out crap. But I am the one establishing the level of catastrophe I suppose. Still fucking hurts. I have walked 12,282 largely painful fucking steps today. But I am also less interested in maintaining a shitty life so I want to be all there in any end I meet. If I am not all there, pillow me, people.

I went out walking the dog earlier and ended up hurt again, something stupid is happening and I just found this.

I hope it didn’t hurt the kidney, the leg is still on and I still see blood in my toes though it’s not warm but is it ever, really? Nope. Tomorrow I might end up in surgery which is super amazing stuff. Or, it will be a your arteries are garbage or stop taking the lipitor, a whole 10mg I have taken now 3 times. Could that be it? It happened like 4 days after I had my last one and today I took another one but I am cutting them out for a while, but is that a side effect? Painful, splotchy purplish looking ankles and a your leg or butt might go to sleep if you don’t move feeling that’s pure wonderful.

No idea. The pain is mean mean pain. I have had it before but fuck it has been years. I have so fucking many split arteries right now–I need to play the lottery and pray for a win here again. For the lottery and my life. Dammit. I think I had this same pain years ago but I am a terrible logger of my own life and feelings, obviously. This happened on Sunday night. 12 out of 10 on the pain scale. The type of pain you flatten your face in the pillow to scream and pound your fists on the bed kind of pain. I didn’t want to go. It’s too much money.

Going in this way will hopefully result in a lower bill by at least $25k which I think was the full value of the ER visit though I pay like 10% of that now. I am wiping my current flex spending account empty to pay for the first ER visit. And now this. DICK.

Category: 2019, hearts

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