not about politics but the kharmic wheel…the events across the river..
recognizing that politics are people.
I don’t see any need to bust off on politics, but I do need to do this for myself and for everyone else that’s been wondering what I have to say about this situation..
TUESDAY 9/11/01
The buildings went down across the river. World Trade Center towers that were a part of millions of our horizons ripped down by some insane funnels of hate. I saw them smoking and walked outside, thinking to myself as the smoke billowed up, at least I am in America and upon realizing that people were dying in that building as I watched it smoke..I didn’t feel defeated. Until later, that is. I walked around the neighborhood, and not one person was looking down..we all were looking up. Our New York, we staked claim in it like any other mother…I work there, and for a few years at least, I lived there, breathed, fucked, sweated, ate and drank. Drinking NYC. To me at least for a minute those buildings symbolized something I cannot explain. Freedom perhaps?. I have no way of relating it to any other experience I have ever been through. But we had live local television cameras in that, and when the first tower went down, an immeasurable silence hit my heart. Though there were screams, yes. Screams of people in the streets desperately trying to get ahold of their loved ones, collapsing on the streets in fear and pain, pain. Immeasureable to say the least. And then the second tower fell, and then later the entirety of the building. We tried to volunteer at the hospital, and saw people covered in debris and concrete dust. But they didn’t need our help, or blood for that matter as so many many people came in to help.
WEDNESDAY 9/12/01
I woke up in some sort of trance. I had been staying at Tony’s for fear of dying alone, I guess. More destruction, more bodies, or more accurately, more parts. We all were on the street today and this night, looking for each other, hearing the stories of friends calling in sick or getting into work late. Then I thought we were at war, not understanding we hadn’t gone about this the wrong way. All I know is that Osama Bin Laden will probably be killed. You start losing friends when you kill representatives of every country neighboring yours. About six of us had thanksgiving dinner followed by a party where most of our neighborhood friends got together. It was also Bill’s birthday.
THURSDAY 9/13/01
More attempts at volunteering thwarted by everyone’s growing overwhelming concern for these people. But my tips this night are being mailed to the red cross. And the victims that no one really has thought too much about. Families, friends, coworkers, parents, wives, husbands. People who were trying to save people died. Giving and ending life. Tony told me I was losing it as I tried to sing a song that I had written. My response, yea, I’m really fucking crazy. Disgusted looks from Tony. I worked this night, bartending in the city. Work was terrible, everyone still shell-shocked. When I tried to get home I called the PATH people and asked them if armed guards were on the train. The response, typically we have not had armed guards on the trains. Mine- well don’t you think this may be the time. He told me (Jeff from path) that there was a possibility for undercover agents on the trains. I got on the train, and sure enough, three of them. In every car, at least 3. Cops in plain clothes are generally easy to pick out. I felt better and had some insight into me dying that night. I wasn’t going to. The terror in the eyes of the middle eastern people I saw on the train I will never forget. And yes, I do notice them now more than ever. They were shaking, half in tears. I see them now because I am watching everyone else. If anyone ever attempted to do a thing to anyone else, I’m sorry but I would stand up. You cannot hold a race guilty for the acts of a chosen few.
FRIDAY 9/14/01
More more more. I cannot understand why people don’t understand the magnitude of how this has affected me. I understand the preciousness of life. Human will and consequence. I took the train. No one will even sit next to those that they fear, the people they have seen for years suddenly turned enemy for what? A skin color?A SKIN COLOR PEOPLE. I worked my normal 14 hour shift. And was incredibly tired, exhausted. I stayed in Manhattan this night.
SATURDAY 9/15/01
Woken up to possibilities of a pancake breakfast. But it was also Tony’s birthday. Bought him a martini shirt and a cake. Then we went out to see the Faint and the Clean at bowery ballroom. Spoke with the bartenders about how insane it was that people were out. Talked with a few of the people I was with that no, I was not ok. But that I am stronger than most and it’s incomprehensible to me that I wouldn’t pull through in one piece. Thought more about moving west. So much bullshit here and this was the bomb that split the cake apart. I disappeared from the group I was with and hung out at Kush on orchard street, an indian bar, and had a caipinhira. Then went to Ace bar to hang out with people I know. Then went to Ray’s Pizza in astor place and ate. Stumbling home to the Path train. New York is the kind of place you can strike up conversations with anyone. But no one is that hurried to speak with a stranger these days. In some ways the heart is broken but the mind keeps ticking. Unending.Hopeful. We will persevere.
SUNDAY 9/16/01
We used to play volleyball across the river in Liberty State Park on Sundays. Everyone is too stubborn to give it up. So we went to Lincoln Park in Jersey City. Beauty so close to this drama is unimaginable. I cannot play kick ball because of my heart and the strains of running. But they did. And I rested next to the willow like trees near the pond, heated by the sun. Still people are giving me shit for having to get the fuck away. But god. Where are we. And who are you to judge my state of mind? I needed to get away from the warzone last night and went to ALDO’s in Lyndhurst NJ. Depression Night on Sundays I usually try to get to was a bit different. Industrial anger and sadness. But I was happy to get the fuck out. So I spoke with a few people. One said I had good stories. I went to sleep to wake up this morning to silence.
There are a few things about this tragedy that people need to understand. Human life is not perfect but the sanctity of a life is. These were people. People you very well may have known or seen the faces of. They didn’t have a chance to change the way they got to work when they died, many of them thinking as they flailed themselves out 80 stories I am sure, why me? People sweating the possibility of having not called in sick or being to work on time. Many people died. Many did not. Brushing it off to forgetting it because these were not people close to you is fucking bullshit. I have seen missing posters that say last seen 103rd floor north tower 8:30 am. Wandered past Union Square to thousands plastered on fences… And pictures..faces with the names. I have felt the energy; the distraught the complete fucking insanity. But I will not hate. I have cried, and watching the news isn’t the most real experience you can have. Seeing the big hole in the sky isn’t even enough. To understand how lucky each one of us is to still be here gives me a reason to continue on and make my impression on this earth as long-lasting and residual as possible. And people who have dark skin are not to blame. MOST of these people have been living here long enough, have been paying taxes long enough that they are Americans. And for those that cheered, yea you should get yer ass deported. No question that the conditions of these supposed whoop it upsters countries will make them think twice about disrespecting what they have. It is a privilege to live here. Freedom. And despite the widespread belief that we deserve what we got. No one deserves to die while not on the battlefield. And we are one of the most free, most open places to live. But we are not perfect. And neither is humanity.
What fucks me up the most is that the most permanent mark that most of these people will have on this world are that they died in the World Trade Center collapse on September 11, 2001. We have to do better for ourselves and our world and make our marks as exquisitely as humanly possible.
I flew american last week. I went to Cali to see my girls, in San Francisco to be exact. My stewardess, we believe, was on that plane. I could have been on that plane. Anyone could have…
The fact that the 19 or so people could cause so much destruction with such little effort should be a fucking inspiration. If we all combined our good energies and will, imagine IMAGINE how much beauty we could accomplish. This was 19 people. And they killed over 5,000. We are stronger and we are bigger than this. Don’t think that punishing your friends and neighbors who happen to be of middle-eastern decent is gonna mark your seat in heaven. It isn’t. It will only make your existence that much more worthless and hate driven. Fuck that.
