la la la
So yes, I have been accused, and rightly so, of being a negative being. Call it a creature of habit, whatever. I TRY to see the glass as half-full, and I do my best not to under-appreciate circumstances around me.
One thing I cannot get around is how continued lying by my surgeons is not supposed to impact my way of thinking. First of all, getting a straight answer out of anyone about my condition is almost impossible. The people subject to my line of questioning usually feign ignorance, or try to brush them off with vague answers. I just don’t understand how you can twist an honest straight-forward question into something that has to be deciphered. For example, in regards to my last possible surgery, I was told that I would not feel it like I felt the others. I asked why? No answer, but you won’t be able to feel it. Perhaps in my ignorance I didn’t happen to assume that the example would be similar to a plane crash, meaning that you don’t feel a plane crash because you are already dead.
The other thing I cannot figure out is how my doctor’s neglected to tell me that endovascular aortic arch grafts are not currently done in this country. If they are done, it certainly isn’t commonplace. Though if I lived in Germany, or Canada, my fate wouldn’t be so pathetic. I don’t understand how you could give someone like myself hope by saying I needed the surgery then omitting the fact that it isn’t even done in this country. The beautiful thing about this, if it is indeed true, is that it elevates my condition to a terminal illness. Maybe the doctors were hoping that they too would be able to jump on the bandwagon, and actually be able to perform it years later, when it would supposedly be necessary.
Meanwhile, I have been spinning around trying to put pressure on myself to perform well at work selling freaking gym memberships. The whole point of me working here is because I need health insurance and if I do find out I have to fly my butt out to Germany, well, I can’t really say.
I have been finding all of this information out from medical students, and doctors not directly connected to my case. I did a google search for such surgeries performed in this country and found not one in this country but plenty in Austria and Canada and Germany. My half dutch ass should be in the Netherlands apparently. ANYway, one thing I hate about the medical profession, and have had reaffirmed to me both by doctors and students alike, is how completely dispassionate people are when it comes to saving lives. TO them we are but a number, a possible black mark against them when it comes to their record. They don’t give a fuck about whether we live or die. If they do care about us dying it’s because it makes them look bad. Human compassion is missing from the medical community, hence the residents walking around with Prada and Gucci, apparently ignorant of their disgusting displays of wealth while a good percentage of Americans don’t even have health insurance. I have never owned anything worth much to anyone else except my own life. Luxuries I literally could not afford, nor do I really need, so the argument is redundant and pointless. I just want to be afforded the same luxury of being able to live that everyone else seems to get free of charge. I never did drugs, nor could have committed any crime against anyone at the ripe age of 18 to deserve such a fate. I have tried to do my best to be good to people around me.
The question I am left with now is why I stay in stagnation to get health insurance which could potentially be completely worthless. Oh yes the company will pay for some of it but we don’t really do it. This is why Oprah should have responded to my letter. I was willing to work for it, I just needed someone to hear my story, or so I thought.
hahahahahahahah
ANyhow. I will win the lottery. The lottery of life certainly hasn’t been fair.
hahaha…Oprah should have responded to your letter…then maybe you would have gotten a free membership to her book of the month club.