i’m up too late on a school night
What on earth is “family”? To me it is a weird untouchable thing that, even when immersed completely in it, still escapes my grasp. Not that I cannot understand it–I have seen many “working” families, but my own experience with them is not the same as the experiences of my friends. I suppose it is not a good thing to admit to any potential suitor that family is kind of a taboo subject. I have certainly gotten better at explaining some things. But I do think that some people look at me in judgment, and not exactly positively. I want to understand it, I want to be a part of it. But even when I was sitting in a room full of what ended up being like 40 newly met “family members,” I still felt like an imposter–a faux cousin, daughter, grand daughter, niece, sister, and yes, sister-in-law. It was nothing anyone said to me, or did to me. It was this bizarre realization that I pretty much woke up from a coma and now have this “family”. And yes, I am totally jealous that I cannot be them, that I was not them, and that playing the part is a bit harder than I want it to be. It’s not that I am playing, since I am very much like my family…but I am not because I don’t really fit in the same way. And my history with them spans less than 10 years. How weird is that?
I called my own mother and father today from Denver. Not to tell them I was here, but just to see how they were. I suspect that I will probably follow in the footsteps of my Uncle Steven and get disowned from my family by my siblings at some point in the future…
But that saying…blood is thicker than water. What about history. Is blood thicker than that?
Ugh. I am a bit overwhelmed by all of the attention I got this weekend. EVERYONE had to meet me. Like a crazy chameleon under a glass I did a good job of playing my role, the daughter some only found out about a few months ago…I smiled, and spoke very intimately with some older people. This was mostly because younger people (as in under 60) seem not to understand my predicament. But the older ones knew somehow how strange…not difficult, not hard, but how strange it is to now see everything you missed and could have had if things had just gone a little differently.
The wedding itself was lovely. The catholic ceremony a bit too long and involved for my tastes. There was some “and also with you” stuff thrown in there as well as some prayer time. I’m not a believer so I don’t do the praying thing in the classic way. I didn’t eat the cookie, I mean body, of jesus. I think that’s kind of weird anyways. And no, I never had first communion, but I kept thinking about how my sister did it once just to see. The priest said some things I found myself agreeing with involving fidelity and commitment. I am still a bit jealous that I have never been asked in my life. I know that is pretty stupid, considering I haven’t sustained any relationships beyond a few years healthily. But, really? Everyone I know has possessed the ring at some point. Well, maybe someday, maybe never. I should have a faker so that little Tante Liesel can come dance. She promised me she would dance at mine since I couldn’t get her to dance at my sister’s. Tante is like 89…I told her me getting married at any point pretty much ever is probably not going to happen. There’s no need to get a little old lady’s hopes up after all.
But I always wanted that party and that dress and a ring. I don’t need the paper. I like my name so it serves no purpose beyond tax breaks. Presents are always good, too, no? Bleh.
I need a brain freeze for a while (induced!). I want to wake up in five years with some direction. I don’t want to suffer through the time. Time and waiting for me are the worst things to ever happen. I am very impatient. And I hate the ideas of time and waiting. Waiting to leave, waiting to be done, waiting to get that email, waiting for that call—every aspect of what I hate—all ruined by time.
In any case I will be on a plane tomorrow night and I hope to sleep the entire ride home. Then I will exit the plane and go home and do some more sleeping. I hope to be cuddled and spooned and kissed by FS. I hope to be in that position by midnight. And then the next day I will try to find some books which will help me with comp lit French style, since, as my teacher likes to point out, the French writers were the only ones who knew what was going on. What that means? Not sure. I am still stuck in the muck if mimesis and trying to figure out where Plato ends and Aristotle begins, and Gadamer and Kant are all related. If any of you know what I am talking about…please help. I am going to have to go purchase mimesis and the history of the novel for dummies. I am pretty much altogether lost beyond that.
One thing that is a definitive for sure problem? I adjust to time zones usually within one day (this way anyhow). Hopefully that is the same going back or this whole week will be pure hell for me.
The definition of family is whatever you want it to be. I don’t believe in “blood is thicker than water”. I think that’s total BS. Just because you’re related to people doesn’t make them better or closer to you. It could be where you get personality traits and/or looks, but the word “family” to me means- who has your back, who cares and shows it, and people you’d pick as friends if they weren’t related. I would NEVER pick my sister as a friend, hence not considering her “family”. If your blood family feels “closer” to you or better than your non-blood family, then don’t worry so much about history. Just because you feel/felt weird about them doesn’t mean THEY did. It seems like they’re happy to have you-so you just have to start there.
As far as weddings/relationships…it’s not awful to admit that you want what most people want…the party..AND the “Security” no matter how faux that security IS for some or many. But, it’s again one of those things I feel like you think you don’t deserve. When you mentioned Thansgiving and not wanting to impose on F the same way you didn’t impose on E for/with his family stuff…that’s NOT how it SHOULD be. You SHOULD feel more than included in someone’s stuff at holidays and for everything in a long-term relationship. YOU set the tone. This relationship with F is new…you have the chance to set the tone for how YOU want this relationship to be DIFFERENT from your last where you didn’t really feel fully part of his life (I’m going on inferring from what I’ve read & taken from your writing).
B always says that I “elbowed” my way into his life. He’s right. My ex tried to keep me at arm’s length in a few situations that I just knew I wasn’t going to repeat in my next relationship. B thought I was a little crazy at the time- but he also liked my brand of crazy and appreciated that I went after exactly what I wanted. I don’t regret it one bit.
You COULD get married. You CHOOSE to not get married- either my picking a guy that’s emotionally unavailable for that or by not really going for what you want. If you want the dress, the party, and dancing, just make sure you’re picking a guy who has the emotional capabilities to DO that and then make sure your feelings on the subject are known. You’re not a shrinking flower- you’re much tougher and stronger than that.
ha! I have always loved your words of wisdom on these subjects—I forget your “family” is a lot like my own–I could leave them more than I could take them.
I feel like I have learned a lot throughout all of my relationship shenanigans. I am certainly far from being ready to make that whole commitment…Eddie tells people I broke up with him because he wasn’t ready to get married. Which is a total lie he has told enough times to start believing it, and has actually used it in conversations with me.
I do finally know what I want and need. It’s just a matter of solidifying those ideas, I suppose.
Just as I don’t know what it’s like to know what you want to do with the rest of your life, I also don’t know how people know who they want to be with the rest of their lives. I think that just makes me a bad adult.
B says I am cold & dead inside when it comes to family- and I kind of am. I feel no guilt, no obligation…I just don’t feel like just because someone is related by blood or any other way they should get a pass for things you wouldn’t allow anyone else to get away with. My sister is blood related to me yet I couldn’t be more different and I couldn’t dislike someone more. Yet-I have friends that I would do anything for- not related, obviously, but my love for them is much deeper.
I find Eddie saying that very interesting. Even if that had been the truth (you breaking up with him because he wasn’t ready for marriage)- I don’t know that he’d have ever been “ready”- I think the Jewish thing matters more than he’d be willing to admit and being in a relationship with someone non-Jewish definitely keeps marriage at arms length.
But, I think mostly- when someone keeps important parts of their life separate from their partner, that’s a way of not commiting. You can live together and share pets, meals, and bills, but that doesn’t mean they are fully sharing their life…and I think there’s something fundamentally wrong with that. Maybe not “wrong” but it certainly doesn’t solidify you as a unit. Just be aware of all that this time and don’t accept situations you’re not really cool with just because you’re afraid of rocking the boat OR afraid of actually having your needs met.
You’re not a bad adult- maybe you’ve just never been with someone you really/strongly envisioned a future with. It’s cliche to say, “You just know when you know” but it’s kind of true. With my ex, I WANTED a future, but I always felt I’d be making some difficult concessions- not living where I wanted, not having enough “hobby” stuff in common, the poor structure to our fighting & communication…etc. BUT- we’d been together 5.5 yrs and I didn’t see starting over…and I wanted to get married, have kids, etc. So, I was willing to just “go through with it” thinking I could love enough for the both of us. No one should ever get married with those thoughts.
I understand where you are coming from. More often than not my friends have told me they don’t know why I don’t just cut them out of my life…I just have been afraid.
Eddie told his parents and apparently they both cried. His mom calls me still. I find the whole thing bizarre but I know they are probably secretly thrilled their son can marry jewish and have blood children now since I am useless when it comes to that too.
I have felt that, that *knowing*–I understand it. I have…and it is important that you share more common interests. Although I could certainly appreciate the music thing because I liked the band, I always felt out of place and just as awkward as I felt this weekend when I was with all these new people. And obviously that was all more than me. Hence the phone attached to his head at every single moment he was not asleep. And when he was asleep he had headphones attached to his computer EVERY night (I’m not kidding).
I won’t waste that kind of time again, that’s for sure. If things start going awry, the discussion will be had then and there, and a solution or resolution will be found. No more miserable suffering. It’s just not worth it.
Who wouldn’t love you? 😉 – I’m sure his parents did/do. All I’m saying is that *I* met him on jdate. It had to matter somewhat for him to bother with that. But, also, at almost four years, at our age, you (in general) should know some kind of direction for the relationship. If you don’t, it’s time to do what you did- take stock of what’s going on, needs being met or not being met, etc, and move on if it’s not satisfying and you don’t see a future.
Common interests are HUGE. Opposites may attract, but to have a strong foundation, you have to enjoy hanging out together doing stuff. With my ex- he was OBSESSED with sports. I couldn’t tell you whether Brett Favre uses a bat or stick and where it was used. I only know who Derek Jeter is because he dates girls who are regularly in People and US Weekly. My ex not only used a bookie, but became a bookie. Sports ruined just about every weekend of my life every fall and when I hear that Fox football “jingle” or whatever you call it, the hair on my back of my neck stands at attention. It caused fights and tears. He hated being dragged to street fairs and artsy stuff.
I couldn’t tell you the last time B watched a sporting event and he LOVED to go to street fairs, art shows, and basicially whatever I want to do. He’s “moldable” like that. It’s just easy. We never fight about what to do or where to go. It’s like a breath of fresh air.
It’s funny you say that. When F and I started getting to know each other, we realized how alike we were…in so many ways it was like I met the male version of myself. We were talking about how that whole opposites attract thing and how everyone seems to be so obsessed with it that our meshing seemed to be kind of strange. The things we do have in common are the things that I did not have in common with Eddie–the whole space keeping thing (we are both kind of messy), to the artistic endeavors to activities, stupid senses of humor, etc. We are kind of opposites emotionally…I tend to run head-into-wall first into situations with my whole heart exposed (when it’s worth it) but he is much more careful with revealing anything and likes baby stepping in. He’s much smarter than I am in that realm.
I think that E will eventually be relieved that I am not involved with him like that one day. He is still not over it (or me I guess) but that is what happens I guess.
All I am going to focus on for the time being is me. Going to weddings usually ends up with these kinds of thought processes running rampant in my head. Luckily for me, this is only the fourth wedding I have been to…and no one else is left to worry about watching do this shit…unless my sister gets engaged (which is happening soon I suspect) or my other brother…and then there are the young twins who will SOMEDAY.
I am having fun in my current “situation”, though I am hesitant to call it anything but a getting to know you period. I need to keep and maintain my own identity separate from anyone else’s…I will no longer be the fucking meek little princess in the corner who has nothing to say. If I am not meant to be in my other’s social situations…I won’t be in them. And actually, maybe I just won’t be with them period.
I know *exactly* what you are going through from the whole family reunion thing a couple of weeks ago. It’s exhausting, draining, and emotionally wracking. *gah* When you do get home, center on your life as you have it today and get back to your routine as much as you can…it will make things easier to process as the time allows. *HUG* Be safe and I love you baby girl.
Thanks Jho, you rule!
I’m sorry I couldn’t play with you this trip…I will be back very soon!
xooxxo
love to you, too.