I’m too fucking nice, and I AM SICK OF PLAYING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!
yea so the story goes, again, that I talk myself out of someone’s head by presenting the rational, head thought side of the situation istead of grabbing this person with, NO, wait, I cannot accept that nor will I.
I met him in person recently and had a time beyond description because I recognize the energy in him and what he is, which is white, blue-hot, and as intregal in this world as the sun. And the time had was, indescribable on a number of levels. Issue is that he had his heart with someone else, whom he had not seen in three years, an old friend; he told he a few days before his arrival. After he did arrive, what he told me, yet NEGLECTED to tell me previous, was that she was coming to stay with him for 6 weeks. How does a person compete with a six week interlude when all I had was roughly 8 days to make my impression? Well, the thing is, I believe I did. And when confronting him with the situation this evening, I did what I always do in times of conflict. I dropped my cards and basically painted the answer for him. When all I want to say is, HELLO, wait a minute?..I mean you have only had me in physicality for one week, but, I am soo much more and I have a million other things to show you. And, although I am no ignoramus and I know that there needs to be more time spent in our respective home bases with each other. I don’t really think that what happened was that insignifigant.
I am my own worst enemy when it comes to getting what I want. I need to change this about myself, and it takes me sitting there, meditating, thinking about how interesting shit will be now that I will no longer be spending my time wasted, recovering from being wasted, stoned or having any part of my mind altered for me to “get it”. It should have been obvious from the first time I let those words slip out of my mouth…those..”well, I think you should stick with what your original intentions were”.
In an effort to re-figure and configure my life, simplify, I have once again motherfucked myself out of something that I really wanted to pursue on some level. WHY the fuck do I do this to myself all the fucking time.. I am far too rational and far too interested in how everyone else feels that I forget myself all of the time. And maybe I have no patience, or maybe I am just too whatever. All I know is I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to walk away that easily, and despite whatever that means for your head, well, I am sorry. But shit is never that simple or easy, and even though I know the outcome is the same, I want you to know I didn’t want it to be….
these into that, I place these lights
on, touched with the clumsy petaled life
that runs fire through my veins
I live, see, I breathe
I feel every hard bruise of words, and feel every
soft whisper of breath
I want the same things, to fly high in the clouds of sun
to rest my head on a pillow of soft
to making my marks on their skin, which is that which pays
my days awake
but, why then, is it soo easy for me to hand over again
to hand over to a heart I am not sure can appreciate?
because as I collapse in on myself
again
repeating this cycle
I know too much and I suffocate my heart to suffer
beating hard with metal reverb, beating hard with much sustain
beating hard, still looking
still looking
still looking.
