expiration and respiration

Published June 29th, 2020 in 2020, hearts | No Comments ยป

I tried to call this morning to check on that little thing sitting in my uterus. Lo and behold there are no options for women who have no health insurance to get lesions in their uterus removed. The clinic I called was nice enough–they would be charging me $300 for my first appointment to discuss the ultrasound scan I had and then the next steps, mentioned possible hospital surgery, which you know is when I want to turn on my heel and run. I still have a lump in each breast I should get removed, but like most things that happen to me medically, it has to get in line behind the heart issues, and ultimately I just don’t have the patience or tolerance to put myself through surgeries that are not absolutely necessary. In June I had my period twice, and it’s set to get me again in a week–so the 7th through the 14th I had it, got a small break and ta da–got me again on the 20th and disappeared this past Friday. I might have to get used to two periods a month, as it is pretty much the only thing I can do right now. Planned Parenthood does not offer the service either, so you really are SOL in this country without insurance.

I still haven’t seen the COBRA offer–I know it will be crazy, but we might have to do it just to save ourselves some grief. Then again, if it is cost prohibitive, I might have to relegate the issue to be dealt with at a later date. Who the hell has $15k laying around for insurance? People that can afford it, that’s who, which I am starting to see is the master plan. Kill the weak and sick with neglect, and they never get to collect anything at all.

Don has had some bites with work, but the most recent one is in Okinawa. Yes, Japan. I have never been, he hasn’t either, but that would be a change unlike any other. Belgium was also one kicking around–to be fair I would prefer Europe over Japan, even with all the Japanese tattoo work on my body and my love of their art history–it would be a massive shift for us given we would have to put virtually everything we own in storage and live with whatever we could find there. It pays in line with what he was being paid recently, so it would be easy for us to adapt to, but even if he was making $50-$60 an hour in Japan—it is probably not much in a place like that. Then there is the whole cartography language and me not understanding a thing, let alone him. I am up for challenges, sure, and so ready to do the move where the work is, but Japan seems like another planet compared.

Right now, I am trying to keep myself calm, but let me just mention–I might be the best there is at recovering from heart and heart-related surgeries, but ultimately I do realize how lucky I am to survive so much and ultimately realize tomorrow is promised to nobody. So I am a little more fearful of this shit than I might let on. That is the third damn time they would be cracking my chest open–he thought the procedure could last 4 hours but it might be 12. I would imagine it would be a little longer just for the wrangling they will have to do to cut through the wires and stretch my sternum open again, not to mention they will be going over other surgeon’s work. I am certainly not the 20 or 30 something I was the last time I had some major work–the TEVAR was a joke compared to this and I was 39 then and now I am 43. I am just so fucking tired of struggling to just keep my head above water. This morning I got so despondent with the amount of money my existence might cost me and Don and I realized—If it wouldn’t hurt Don and only helped him, I would absolutely kill myself just to save everyone the grief and worry and money.

Money. Speaking of money—JFC Don paid $7k in income taxes in May and what the hell do we get from that? Are our neighbors and community doing so well that money like that makes sense? Can I be assured healthcare or any help at all even with his $4k per month tax contribution before that? Nope. Even if we needed food stamps on a temporary basis the hoops are so high and complicated most people would probably revert to panhandling to survive if it came down to it. No, I have never. No, I definitely don’t plan on it, and yes, I would absolutely kill myself if I was homeless and had to rely on panhandling. If I did not have the balls to do that, my death would be long and suffering and to be honest, world. I am fucking done with that. Sometimes you just have to admit you’ve been beaten.

So, farewell to June. Let’s hope July brings us better things, but if you wouldn’t mind–send us some good ju-ju for Europe. Working at home for him in Colorado would not stink, but Europe is just better set up for the people who like cooperative living. This country is so incredibly partisan, to love it you have to love the fight and argument. People do not even take a minute to see what we all have in common, because it’s so much easier to bully and see the other. Not a super cooperative way of being and it is counter to what I believe. I know I have been saying that for years–but please universe–I need to cash that check!!

Love to you all, coco bananas. Make it a great day.

Category: 2020, hearts

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