blehhh
So…I am waiting here for the next call about the thing hanging out in my uterus, and I had my other appointment for the CT with the cardio-thoracic surgeon a little over an hour ago—dammit all, it’s really going and the degradation from 2012 was apparently significant enough to warrant some major concern for the valve, so it will be a third time, unless I die first, of course. Six to twelve is the timeline there.
One hearty realization was the recognition I am going to have to seriously curb the stress in my life, which is super awesome and easy to do in a pandemic with neither of us working, of course, but we will figure it out. I think this new foray into social media might provide its own issues, but ultimately I just will have to be deliberate yet disciplined and just relegate the hate away to places where I don’t have to simmer it in. That’s the one thing I haven’t been able to obtain complete immunity from–feeling badly due to someone else’s words or actions, even with the understanding and I get it, only I can control my own reactions to things. But if the valve has degraded that much over the past 8 years then clearly I let something get to me–the combination of the issues with the maternal birth family and the job stress–both of which were solved ultimately–still the damage done is done and there’s not a heck of a lot I can do about it now. Given I am always up for a body challenge– you know it’s always my favorite thing to prove them wrong. Well, I will do what I can over the next year, the maximum they gave me with this old valve and then it’s crack crack crack again down the center line, which requires a snip snip snip of chest wires, so maybe it will be the last time. He did tell me they don’t want to put a real one in so I can live longer, but who the hell really wants or needs to make it to their 60’s in my condition—ugh, that could be 40+ years enduring this crap and I am already hitting year 25 this year. Not into it, but they want to give me that valve, so let ’em. In a year, alright mean body? Listen to meee. Not into doing this in the Winter, no thanks.
So there is that and that is fun. The surgeon did think there was no rush to do it now simply because I am asymptomatic largely. Do I have shortness of breath? Uh…I don’t think so but I am also not talking on the phone like I was, so that job quitting probably bought me some time, too. He said that should be my main symptom, but if I started fainting, swelling in any extremity or my belly or feeling chest pain then it might be time to put a rush on it. So I have to fully mind meld my life. With notice, I can do it, but it’s definitely a mind over matter affair. It requires meditation and some super deliberate bio-feedback, which could be considered an oxymoron, but whatever. The thing I find super interesting is how these two doctors were shocked to hear I was not symptomatic and assumed I would be feeling worse than I am. I told him I was used to this, and though I have absolutely gotten better with it, I am not happy to be an expert at heart surgery.
Sooo. Yay on that, right? Yeah…so that necessitates I might have to re-shift my mindset to realize I might not be around in a year so I guess I have to finally do the thing(s). Got a few articles to write and the sites and the vlog. Even me, always one foot in the grave as I am sometimes needs a hard push off a cliff to realize there is absolutely a privilege to being alive, as my surgeon pointed out, my entire aorta is replaced so it is absolutely amazing I have survived what I have. It’s not that I have no appreciation for that–I just don’t really think about it in those terms or really ever. When I was in my twenties and thirties that is who I was–the girl who had heart surgery. Now I just want to be almost anyone else but that girl all the time. Better it be a part time temp job than a sad job to whine about constantly. It took a while, 20 years maybe, but the only thing I feel compelled to bitch about with any regular thought is the cost and availability of healthcare and education not to mention some general disdain of what the hell the government is doing with all the tax money–they got $7k from Don in May in taxes which is no small amount and what the hell do we even get from that? Not even a guarantee people are not starving in our community let alone any benefit to us personally. Hell even unemployment insurance is a pain in the ass to get benefits from as obstacles seem to be plentiful there.
So, ta-da da daaa, bah buhh. Life is a pain in the ass but the only thing worth living.
