better is better is better
You’d think I would learn my will has better ends than many things. The only thing it hasn’t done is made us overnight wealthy, but it’s one of the things nobody can ever really say about me. Nobody can say I am not clever or persistent or lazy when I get my eyes on something. So my eyes scanned hundreds of ads trying to find a place for us. HUNDREDS. The problems ranged from the dog to price to location, and you better believe if someone wants close to $1100 from me for a closet I was going to find something way bigger which this building could only aspire to be. And so we did and it solves several problems one encounters while trying to live–the dog run is close, the laundry is closer and there’s not a ton of stairs to ascend so there ya go. We got a thousand square feet, over double this place and cut Don’s commute in half.
So we won, ultimately, one battle in the war this life is leaving me fighting. I don’t see it as winning against them, because I still see a huge loss in still all this action. I got in trouble with my drunk words again the other night and apparently laid into Don for every slight I perceived–calling him a loser and telling him I didn’t know why I was moving because he would probably quit his job anyways. Wow, that was hard to recover from–namely because I remembered none of it so didn’t even know what I had to apologize for saying. I did use recent experiences to formulate a response in my head I did relay to him later–namely that he knew very well my actions and intentions were always about helping him, and that if I hurt him I was sorry. And it’s true, every day I tell him how great he is and all of this I did, not him–for the three of us.
It’s pretty much the story with living here. Every action I have taken was to help her, and we realize my aunt got snotty and told my mother I did not appreciate the place I was living and cheap rent when the entire intention was really me smelling this was coming I am starting to see, as I reached out to her about the condition here and mentioned my birth mother needed help so that was going to be the only way she could get home with the girls which was the whole goal. So my aunt and my sister and mother decided to gang up on me and Don and get nasty instead of being human beings about it all and teach me a lesson, I guess?
Yeah, they taught me I am glad I never got any of that hateful religious teaching that wouldn’t allow for compassion in times of bullshit and the lack of charity given I use all of my time and talents to literally help everyone. It is why so many people lived with my for free in my apartment over the years—and man there were MORE than a few. I helped people launch themselves up and get moving and I am pretty sure most of those people are still okay today. Even putting people upstairs in a STILL UNFINISHED apartment she IS GETTING $1100 for…I would say all the money in this lady’s pocket was still more than she should get, having gone crazy and leased out the apartment for that much all while refusing to release the lease copy. I told them I thought security and full rent, fairly anyways, should be collected at completion, and given every extra dollar now is still not really earned–this has to be what–at least $3-$5k she shouldn’t get because I FORCED THE ISSUE. Now I will take responsibility for that and maybe it wasn’t thrilling for her, but look now–now she sees and is ready to act. So once again, I can feel calm knowing once again my intentions to help people did result in people getting helped.
That helping end I have will hook people up with travel discounts and connect people with the talents and businesses they employ–I have helped a load of people find places to live, even well before here, helped people find work, referenced them, helped them with their resumes–fuck years ago I sent a dude a pie for helping me with my resume which really didn’t result in any real improvement, but to show my appreciation.
I guess it’s kind of funny that bone is still alive in me even after being in a group of people who are largely ignorant or self-serving in most of their actions and ideas–this being the Denver, Colorado area…though Brenda lives in Golden so she is kind of exempt.
So we have been here over three years and I think I told Don I didn’t want to be here this last time last year anyways so perhaps this was a hateful gift with a better end for everything we need.
Now we just have to make sure the people we do keep around us we can trust and trust us.
Love to all of you silent fuckers. Sometimes a blog makes me feel lonelier than I should because my long absences have affected my commenting readership. You could just say hello, ya know, it might be nice to not feel like I am screaming in an empty room all the time.
But you do you. I am moving. <3
