so yea. no idea what to say. to do. you say your distance has turned you into the aggressor. the defiant. the stretching out to touch the sea kind of boy.
a friend of mine said to me today: "i've forgotten what you look like. i only remember that you're tall, painted, and spit flames". This statement, the allusion to my current mind frame, reference set. I don't spend alot of time communicating with people on a personal level (ie. conversations about mutual emotional toils and exchanges beyond a very factual disclosure). I don't spend alot of time with anyone in particular. Francis is my only real tie to the real world that exists with my past. My dog, Asa, squished up behind my back as I type this, snuggling. These are my realities. Not to discount or discredit your intentions,no. But to fully open up my world to you. Stream out the honesty, brewing up thick enough to burn.
I have tried to sit down, settle down, figure myself out. My appartment is still a flaming mess. They say your state of mind exists represented in the small spaces in which you live. My space, splattered with clothing, folded up twenties, ...
well well well.
I guess I am going on a little tour of sorts. Across the country through the highways and biways of the backwoods. Will be leaving soon after fashion week. Me, three photographers, a mini van, a truck, and thousands of miles in between the destination points. Those being chicago, detroit, dallas, LA, and many in between. Where should I go, what should I do? How am I gonna make money along the way? Traveling bartender will work for food. I need to figure it out. For reals. Anyone have any ideas suggestions etc for real money making for nights on the run, please let me know. I can babysit, make brownies. Time constraints generally piss me off, but. I will never be able to make enough money in four weeks to be able to go. Please post in the forum underneath to suggest or give me any leads. I can give notice of arrival times.
I asked my agent/manager the person who keeps me up at night how I would know if it was the person. The one to choose, not necessarily the one I should choose. He said, you'll know. You will know. How strange it is today. I hung out in the city with homo Jeremy. Chilled. Strange these correlations. Almost a parellel. Except the part about growing up in a cult. ha ha. I guess we can't all choose where we come from. I definitely didn't.
I have my dreams fueled by new hopes. Hearts spinning, sewn up in these moments when eyes rise and visions unearth.
The tedium in my daily life is changing. Tomorrow. yes. I am tired of being involved heavily with people who are sickened with complacent hearts. broken backs and the tendency to just not believe. Francis is the best. I say this often, though at times I am thrown into hateful positions. Alot of this has to do with the squeamishness of the signs colliding. Francis being a taurus, bull-headed thick-minded, sometimes prone to tearing. And I, seeking the balance yet somehow still adversely affected by my mother's control issues. I am not living in a "clean" domicile ...
