today was one of those fresh stodgy dump-like days; a good testament and reminder of why it was i left this god foresaken place. too bad the education thing has been a fixation of mine-i want to get one so i might have to deal with all the bad psychomeanpeople that pervade this place. boston is one of those pit-stops we take to a better place, a training bra city, a place that can prepare you for better things later on but somehow seems so necessary in the interim. i wish it weren't so but i had conversations with old friends about me being here and accomplishing it, finishing school, or just starting it already.
my heart isn't here but my heart isn't all swollen up with new york anywhere either- i have had my teeth and face kicked in too many times to be in love with such an abusive boyfriend (new york, that is). it's cold, but not in the way that people in masshell are cold, but in that way that makes people forget what it means to NOT fore sake each other. as was stated to me in the most beautiful way: new york is like falling ...
SO. I tend to get overly emotional when the full moon starts hitting, as it signals pain time. When I was pre-25 it never really bothered me too much, but as I have neared my middle age, things have gotten a bit trickier. I kind of want to donate the whole thing to curious university med students; primarily because it does me no good and is a constant source of pain and aggravation. babies? nah, they'd morph my already scarred belly into an exploding hot cross bun, jutting out more so to my left side, ripping my scar tissue into tiny spaghetti strings. if i tried to use it, my heart would probably come out attached to a string like an exploded carrot.
but anyhow. I have decided that it is both unnatural and pointless to focus on the difficulty of situations in my personal pursuit to not be a bar manager/bartender/banker/gym manager/dot com ingenue/barista/waitress/receptionist/administrative assistant/etc/etc. Honestly it's one of those things you accept and get over. I have just been rebelling against that and flapping on occasion like an angry fish out of water.
of course it doesn't help that the fall to me always signified something brilliant and pristine-educational possibilities, ...
good god. so somehow today i made this grandiose decision to move back to masshell. allston, more specifically, about a 20 minute walk to Harvard Square. Has she gone insane, you ask? NYC for the prop, training bra city of Boston? I suppose it just may be a possibility, the insanity plea, but somehow the decision, though coddled in bullshit, might actually make sense for me at this juncture.
I have been swimming, no, DROWNING in bullshit for the past several years in NYC. Going to school has pretty much been slingshot out of the horizon because of the sheer volume of money that falls out of your pocket while living there. I am not talking "FUN" money, party money, or money with any kind of true purchasing power, I am talking about the $30 of lightness that one experiences just by walking out your fucking door.
Now, I might have felt a feigned love affair with NYC in the past, but that love is dead, murdered, put out like a frisky fire because it has kicked my teeth in one too many times.
This of course doesn't mean that I am trading one bad boyfriend in for the other, because, let's face ...
