I get pretty fucking dark a lot, as you see, but keep in mind I spend an inordinate amount of time alone, kicking around the dark corners of my own brain. Don works all night and I am still somewhat of an insomniac, though possibly not as productive as I've been when I was younger and more like rubber.
I am not going to let that leg go or let it get anywhere close to going--it might hurt like hell and oh it does with that whole clot busting antidote that fucked up more--but ultimately I am going to get taken out by a stroke and I know it. I don't want to live past my consciousness at its peak---though clearly there are places and times people have woken up from comas, etc, but a stroke is a different kind of thing. I am going to do this thing to make sure it does not happen---diet water lots of things to keep it as flowing as it needs to be. Oh yeah. I know you wanna see what happens when a femoral artery gets fucked with well over half a dozen times now in a lifetime. Keep in mind ...
It appears the leg I had, the right leg I had is now 1/3 as fantastic as it was, having two vessels cut off to the lower leg which will mean I am left semi-functional and yes, fucking gimpy to some extent if the leg doesn't fail entirely at all.
I have to say I have always been somewhat fascinated by people with missing limbs but I am not really that fucking ready to be one. I have some neuropathy which seems to correspond to only two toes on the right foot right now most of the time, but largely the issue is the lower leg is no longer getting the blood it needs to support a fully functioning and happy calf. But, like my kidney, you can live with only one will be a somewhat repeat theme in my life--but don't take my facetiousness as a lack of gratitude.
The clot, not a DVT as it was arterial (that is a vein situation, this was an artery leaving the heart situation), showed up in a well-regulated coumadin environment which was tested weeks before in range and even during the incident, the measurement was perfect. I had messed up for ...
Well that wasn't a very fun time at all. I got a clot and proceeded to spend Wednesday through Sunday in the hospital, 98% entirely alone and cried because I was alone and had virtually nobody invested in any healthy outcome for me compared to, well yes absolutely some times past. I didn't go telling anyone or posting it anywhere publicly exactly because I figure if you've gone looking into deeper places, this is where you'd go. I definitely have ceased as of late writing my little editorials in public forums. I, of course, am always the one advocating for more purposeful conversation, and though sometimes the short and sweet are the summation of the point, I generally tend to write to two three paragraph mini-essays if I can, explaining why and where I came to the conclusion that I did. I think this is generally not how people are given the brevity and the FOMO everyone seems to be focused so very much on--you don't let yourselves feel much beyond the spaces and time you even allow this. It would seem people's emotional investments in each other are actually less involved than say, the emotional investment everyone seemed ...
