You know the spaces I am talking about, the spaces in time, filled with silence, when you say something that seems to fit sooo right, but appears to be all wrong in definition. I'm not talking about trying to assuage a situation, but when you say something because to not say it hurts too fucking much.
I have spent a good deal of time finding those spaces, manipulating people into them for fun, for awakening, and really, just because.
I swear someone is kharmicly vomitting all over me. I FUCKING try to do a job, do it well, give a fuck about it, but I just suck at it. I am so good at soo many other things, but cannot sell gym memberships. I told this guy who, for some reason, recognized something special in my energy a few months back. July, it was. He and his girlfriend signed up through me and he started talking to me about my expectations, for myself, my life, my negativity, and how powerful my (empasize quotes) "energy" was. I had to contain it, I had to control it, I had to reclaim it. I read the books he suggested, I had been going ...
I think it might be less about the cold and more about a combination of air pressure changes, which directly influence the flow of my blood. All I know is I woke up all dramatic yesterday in tears. I took a darvocet, and tried to chill out, but again had to succomb to my woe is me pity and cry a bit.
Fuck it. Fuck my leg and all the other bullshit that happens because of it.
Today I feel less sick of myself, and really a lot more sick of everyone else.
Now I get to go out and rock the REdbull action. Oh, I know you wish you were me, all drinkin' for free.
NErds, ya. Eat em up, kid.
The people owning my student loan said I could pay them for 6 months and get even more debt borrowed to me for next fall. Fuck it. I'm going to school. For what? Who cares. DOes it really even matter. All I know is that I get nostalgic and stupid every fall. I want to be learning. Maybe I will come out a scientist. Maybe a lawyer. THough I am going to SVA. Fuck all the rest of the ...
SOmetimes I think this happens to a lot of people, and other times I think I am a massive freak. Lately I have been very uncomfortable in my own skin, wanting to shed it, become someone else. This is probably why I have considered going from platinum almost clear blonde to darker shades with super blonde ends. I guess it's normal. For me, changing my hair color on a monthly basis never seemed to be enough, and this blonde I have rocked for like a year and some. I just feel sick of seeing my writing, sick of my opinions, sick of my perspective, sick of my existence.
I guess things have been going ok. I didn't get let go from this gym because the other moron I worked with got fired instead of me. It's better anyways, since I have my future somewhat mapped out. I am gonna quit this bitch in March, right after I get my health insurance. Is it in time to go bartend for Spring break and all the other nasty shit that goes on in the south part of this country? Am I making a mistake by not taking advantage of my last possible ...
