expiration and respiration

Published June 29th, 2020 in 2020, hearts | No Comments »

I tried to call this morning to check on that little thing sitting in my uterus. Lo and behold there are no options for women who have no health insurance to get lesions in their uterus removed. The clinic I called was nice enough--they would be charging me $300 for my first appointment to discuss the ultrasound scan I had and then the next steps, mentioned possible hospital surgery, which you know is when I want to turn on my heel and run. I still have a lump in each breast I should get removed, but like most things that happen to me medically, it has to get in line behind the heart issues, and ultimately I just don't have the patience or tolerance to put myself through surgeries that are not absolutely necessary. In June I had my period twice, and it's set to get me again in a week--so the 7th through the 14th I had it, got a small break and ta da--got me again on the 20th and disappeared this past Friday. I might have to get used to two periods a month, as it is pretty much the only thing I can do ...

Category: 2020, hearts

tickity tick again

Published June 27th, 2020 in 2020 | No Comments »

So I gotta say, for someone not on anxiety medication or taking any other pyschoactive substance I guess aside from marijuana, it does suck to once again know I have a broken heart again. It's the thing I am trying not to let dominate my thoughts, but when I was sitting in bed earlier with my hands falling asleep, I realize I have had that happen a few times over the past few weeks. Then there is the sometimes sharp pain I have felt for a minute I usually coach myself out of terrorizing myself further because it is the wrong time given I have no health insurance in 5 days.

I told the surgeon I wasn't ready to do it now because of insurance, but ultimately I need to get it done so if I can hold off until next Spring...they are doing the next scan in December--so it's either I have 6 months or a year or 16 years to live, maybe. Though you gotta admit the positives to waiting might exceed the negatives, though clearly the valve could get worse and make the replacement even more complicated. All I know is he said it was ...

blehhh

Published June 26th, 2020 in 2020 | No Comments »

So...I am waiting here for the next call about the thing hanging out in my uterus, and I had my other appointment for the CT with the cardio-thoracic surgeon a little over an hour ago---dammit all, it's really going and the degradation from 2012 was apparently significant enough to warrant some major concern for the valve, so it will be a third time, unless I die first, of course. Six to twelve is the timeline there.

One hearty realization was the recognition I am going to have to seriously curb the stress in my life, which is super awesome and easy to do in a pandemic with neither of us working, of course, but we will figure it out. I think this new foray into social media might provide its own issues, but ultimately I just will have to be deliberate yet disciplined and just relegate the hate away to places where I don't have to simmer it in. That's the one thing I haven't been able to obtain complete immunity from--feeling badly due to someone else's words or actions, even with the understanding and I get it, only I can control my own reactions to things. But if ...


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