So, I did the thing I said I was going to do and cut myself off yesterday. Yesterday was Day 1, for some perspective. This plan was more of a Pepsi challenge of, can she do it? Can you do it I asked myself yesterday and proved to myself that, yes, I absolutely can. I cut myself off right at 1 pm my time and stayed off until 7:15. I know, 45 minutes short but keep in mind my efforts were new and also keep in mind for the girl who talks to nobody, cutting myself off for that long just really emphasizes and solidifies that isolation almost more so that had I just left it open to do what I wanted over having rules that are largely un-fun.
What did I do? I drew and ordered books and cooked a bunch. I had a Barnes and Noble gift card I got from my old job two years ago and redeemed that and then re-signed up for the BOTM club. That being Book of the Month. Now, I know a lot of snooty assholes think the books offered might not hit their high caliber of literary snoot to partake, ...
We have all heard ourselves or someone else say, well, maybe one day when I find the time, maybe later on when I'm retired there will be enough time to do all the things I wanted to do--well, now we have the time. Unfortunately we might not be using all this time we have in the best way, if we are even using that time at all for those endeavors.
Ironically this hasn't been fully realized by anyone, me included. I have unfortunately had to take stock of all the time I have right now and what I am spending it doing. Yes, like many of you I have been spending more than a good deal on social media. Usually it's me making political commentary and chiding people for their general weaknesses--maybe that's not the most effective use of my time, but someone should have hired me to their editorial board years ago. Still there's that if you don't like the sites you go to do your own solution I am working on, but I still have the fucking discipline of a fruit fly which means I still haven't successfully chided or beaten my interest ADD out effectively.
I think ...
Been quiet. I have to say this whole corona thing has been a lot illuminating. It has made me realize how fucking weak everyone is, to be honest. No, I am not going to be the source that tells you it's okay, fall apart, crumble as much as you need to because everyone else is. Yes, everyone is, which means we're going to have to buck up little campers, and be better examples.
Now for me, the inconveniences in life have never led me to think just because I want something to be true that it should be true. I have never thought just because I wanted something I should be able to have it at all. I cannot say I never questioned fate, the idea of God though I think that whole line of thinking is a sham, instead kind of leaning moreso towards Don's thought process here which is...never count on a dead man to do you any favors. I have lost everything so young and so long ago that this whole exercise to me leaves me not uncomfortable in the uncertainty--I have learned long ago nothing is guaranteed. Nothing. Not happiness, not poverty, not family, ...
