I’m afraid I can see the End

Published March 18th, 2015 in 2000-2011 | No Comments »

Hmmm. I think the thing that people like me struggle with sometimes is this idea that you go through shit like I have to be some extraordinary human being, some person people are going to reminisce as some conqueror of giants or something bigger than themselves, just ordinary. It puts this incredible burden on a person to have to try and be someone people have something to say about. That idea that people go through shit never complaining, you know those stories you always read about the sickest people overcoming their fear of everything and exiting this life fearless, always brave and comforting that they somehow went out peacefully. I can admit I don't plan on going out peacefully, though I have felt the heavy burden of illness upon my shoulder lately. this pressing need to get shit done before I die and leave nothing worth notating beyond a splattering of words across a few years with no real fucking practice present. Just occasional exercise I suppose.

That's what I have to leave aside from brief meetings with some of you, some of you have burned yourselves into me in ways that make me appreciate knowing that so many people ...

Category: 2000-2011

I wanna jump head first out the library window

Published March 5th, 2015 in 2011-current | No Comments »

That's not entirely true, I suppose. I've been to the library here and though it's nice, there are certainly no windows worth jumping out and over. I actually don't even think it's possible.

Sometimes that's the place I slip into, over literal and needing explanation, like I'm ever even asked the questions I ask myself.

I do like the library, however, given when you walk into one it's like going into a store where everything's free to borrow. It satisfies an urge for me to shop, given that's not gonna happen either.

Today I made it, and it was easy to remember how quick and comfortable it is to be nice to people who have a lot more money than I do to go traveling the world. It's like setting people up for your dream trip every time, which makes everything so much easier to do. It's not something you necessarily have to wrangle morally over selling, that feeling I sometimes had selling beauty creams to women spending the last of their social security checks, convinced it somehow made a difference. You pretty much picture yourself on every trip you sell, which is a fantastic way to spend the day, fully immersed in ...

Category: 2011-current

Clever is a state of mind

Published March 3rd, 2015 in 2000-2011 | No Comments »

I am going back to work tomorrow. I don't know how to feel about that, not liking my job as much as I do in some ways, I suppose. It's not my JOB that is the problem given you can put me in a position and have me helping people and I will feel satisfaction and feel the gratitude for the kind of person I am, the kind of energy I meet and greet people extending. I love people, and I love helping people--in any capacity I can. But it's the idea that I am dying a little every day that socks me the hardest. Of course we are all dying a little every day, but the manifestation of the reality for me is a little clearer. I have truly and absolutely felt like I had a time bomb ticking in my chest, and it does like to go off every few years to remind me there's an issue, for reasons I don't understand, couldn't ever understand. It makes that whole idea of living life something I should be doing with a little more reward since now I am not even living, I am surviving, with no possible result ...

Category: 2000-2011

Copyright © 2024 Hearts and Scars. All rights reserved.