just work a little harder to get out of hate with myself

Published October 30th, 2013 in 2011-current | No Comments »

I've been sitting in between the space of a few things. It's a little uncomfortable, but not a lot is comfortable in the grand context of my existence. I feel not real, not entirely visible, a kind of atomized version of who I felt I once was. I stay inside a lot. A terrible lot considering the space I've had in my life the last two months to really spread my wings out and fly. You can't fly on a paper airplane without any change in your pocket, though. And so I am invisible, nobody sees me, I've got no ability to really participate in life that much, mostly because my own stupidity in losing the title of my car has rendered me car-less, the last small bits of my freedom stuck behind several hundred dollars worth of fees that I won't even have to pay off until I am several weeks into my job. That bit has made things a little less interesting and I can admit the motivation to do nothing aside from worry and wonder and hope my way out of the situation has kind of rendered me a little paralyzed. Not kind of, exclusively and extensively ...

Category: 2011-current

Not Dying Isn’t the Same as Living

Published October 15th, 2013 in 2000-2011 | No Comments »

I think you know you're officially old when you age out of the breeding pool. I don't meant that there aren't women getting pregnant at my age, but it seems that waiting for children is something people in cities do. In the country, well, Denver is country in ways you city folk wouldn't understand. In the country these guys are set up to breed as soon as the age of 23. There's really nothing more horrifying to me than the idea of having a literal teenager in my house, and trying to start or adopt now is obviously out of the question. Luckily there is no accidental way for me to get pregnant since we are covered in every sense. Don, who tragically has suffered every insane conflict incited by a woman, has been snipped and I had my own little implanted mirena thing to ensure nothing ever latched on. Since we're engaged, I realize it's okay now to get this thing removed though I feel a little naked envisioning life without it. Not that his body is going to bridge the scar tissue and find a way over-but it's the only thing that is definitively female about how I ...

Category: 2000-2011

The Language of the Universe is Fuck You

Published October 15th, 2013 in 2011-current | No Comments »

I've got a birthday coming up here in a week and it's sent me into a tailspin of reflection. The where I have been, where I'm going, and where I want to be I am pretty clear on. I'm rarely satisfied, so being uncomfortable with all of these things is really not out of the ordinary. Fuck, if you've read me once you know I'm a little more skeptical than the average girl.

I've been trying to convince myself for years that things will get better, that it's just a matter of time and opportunity. I've tried several things-leaving jobs that were essentially soul-less and futureless, I've tried changing my scenery and location by 2,000 miles. I've tried getting an education and have realized I can't do it and work full time. I've left relationships that weren't giving me anything but instead were draining me with no reward. I've learned how to stand up for myself through all of this, yet still, I'm way behind all of you. And When I say behind, I mean I am not even on the same ship but instead I'm literally rowing myself with one working arm. Even still, despite my literal resume of failures, ...

Category: 2011-current

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